Tantrums, aggression, lack of respect... parents have seen it all. How can they resolve such issues while ensuring they do not damage their relationship with their children? Marisa Lobo Biddappa, clinical psychologist and counsellor at the Child Early Intervention Medical Centre, Dubai Healthcare City, offers advice on vexing situations parents encounter and how they can remain in control so their children feel secure and happy.
Making children happy is not the same as meeting their needs
When you attempt to make your children happy by trying to convince them that they have many friends, have everything they want, will get to do something special if they stop crying or will get into trouble if they don't, you are not recognising their true feelings. Instead you are telling your child, "Don't tell me about your pain. It hurts me. Feel the way I want you to feel. Be happy."
Dr Biddappa's case study: Nathaniel, four-and-a-half, displayed aggressive behaviour at school. When his parents were summoned to the school to be told about their son's behaviour, they were shocked. How could their meek child be deemed aggressive? The school decided to use play therapy to determine the underlying problem. The therapy revealed that Nathaniel had been a happy child until the birth of his sister who, due to her poor health, soon got everyone's attention at home, while he was largely left in the care of their domestic help. His parents also lacked patience and could be short-tempered. The result was the boy withdrew into his shell at home but, when in school, vented his misery through aggression. His parents were counselled on how to schedule their time for him; the newborn; each other; and the family as a whole. As the parents' attitude towards Nathaniel improved, his aggression ceased.
If you don’t understand how your child is feeling, you won’t know how to guide him
To meet your child's emotional needs, you must first understand how he is feeling without trying to fix it or make it better.
Dr Biddappa's case study: Chand, ten, was constantly bullied at school and would come home crying. His mother would then go to school the next day to complain about the bullies' behaviour. This cycle of events led to more bullying towards Chand. Eventually the school advised Chand's mother to enrol her son at another school. At this next school the problem continued. So, what was Chand doing to cause this? As it turned out, he was in the habit of constantly complaining to the teachers about his classmates who, angered by his attitude, retaliated by bullying him. Chand was therefore encouraged to make friends with them, rather than complain about them all the time. Helping him handle his problems on his own with his parents' support made Chand a more likeable boy. As he became more independent and cheerful, the bullying stopped.
Your children can’t find their way if you are making a path for them
Your children can't help how they feel, but they can decide how to behave if you give them a chance. For example, if you try to keep your child entertained all of the time because you're afraid he might get lonely or bored, he will never figure out what inspires him.
Dr Bidappa's case study: Rayan, 16, had just about everything a teen could ask for; a car with a driver, his own television, laptop, music system, Playstation, the latest mobile phone and designer clothes. In addition, he got a whopping Dh5,000 as pocket money which he spent on games and movies. But he complained constantly about being bored. His case history revealed Rayan was overindulged by his parents because they led an extremely busy social life. Left in the care of his nanny, he grew up entertained by a virtual world. The resulting damage to his overall well-being was extensive but not irreversible. His parents were advised to spend time with him and get to know what he really liked and wanted. Rayan was encouraged to develop an interest or hobby and opted for badminton. He was also found to have a talent for drawing and was encouraged to join an art class. The result was Rayan stabilised and became a happy teenager.
Children who get everything they want are not getting what they need
For some reason, we often feel that if we give our children everything they want, they should behave the way we want them to. An important part of meeting children's emotional needs is to set limits often, firmly and in a loving way. Parents who learn to set limits in a loving way set them more often because they don't have to wait until they've "had it up to here" to do so.
Dr Biddappa's advice: A therapeutic way of setting limits can be summed up with the mnemonic, ACT: Acknowledge the feeling, Communicate the limit, and Target the choice. For example, if your child wants a toy when you're at the shops, you could say, "You want that toy right now (A), but we're not spending any money on toys today (C). You can put it on your wish list for your birthday (T)." If your child is complaining about chores, you could say, "I know you think chores are unfair (A), but chore time is not negotiation time (C). We can talk about it after you've finished them (T)." Using this technique, you'll learn to set limits that work. If you set limits too harshly, you are also more likely to give in, because you feel guilty. If you don't follow through with a consequence or if it is too harsh, you teach your child not to trust you.
Parents should learn to be fascinated with the world through their child’s eyes
When you are fascinated with your child, you are practising giving up being right, giving up your need to control your child and letting go of the problems in your relationship. Fascination provides a time for discovery of who your child is.
Dr Biddappa's case study: Craig, nine, refused to do his homework without his parents' help. He would waste time watching television until his mother came home from work and then demand she help him finish it. His mother, being tired, would become irritable, leading Craig to throw a tantrum and refusing to do his homework. Case history revealed that both his parents, being high achievers, would always help him with his homework when he was younger so he aced his classes. This resulted in a ‘learned helplessness'. Craig's parents were made to see that their own high standards of achievement were hindering their son's overall development. Craig was encouraged to do his homework independently and his parents were asked to provide positive reinforcement on completion. Slowly, with a consistent timetable and loving discipline from his parents, Craig gained confidence and become a responsible student.
Parents should not take responsibility for things that children can be responsible for on their own
Never do anything for your children that they can do for themselves. When you do, you end up teaching them that they are incompetent and weak. Also, don't ask your children over and over to do something. That's taking too much responsibility for something they should be responsible for to begin with.
Dr Biddappa's case study: Riaz, about 16, was an aspiring musician who constantly argued with his parents. They wanted him to enrol for business studies and join the family business, but he wanted to pursue his further education in music. To end this deadlock, Riaz was helped to structure his schedule so he had time for both his studies and band practice. He was also told to help around the house to display his sense of responsibility. As a result, his parents recognised his ability to manage his studies and his hobby. He was allowed to go to music lessons three times a week, provided he completed his studies, and play in a band once a week. The change in his parents' attitude brought about a significant change in Riaz's academic performance too.
Respect and fear are not the same thing
Who would you rather cooperate with: Darth Vader or Obi-Wan Kenobi? Not Darth Vader - he's mean. Of course it would be Obi-Wan - because you respect him. That respect comes from the knowledge that he will also be respectful towards you. The only way for kids to learn to be truly respectful is to be treated with respect.
Dr Biddappa's case study: Meena, 15, was brought to me as she was very rebellious at home. Her family complained that she did not join them in any family activity and was constantly quarrelling with her younger sister who, she felt, was her parents' pet. At a time when she did not know how to fit into the world and needed support, her perception was that her parents did not care for her. She often threatened to kill herself. Therapy sessions revealed that she was insecure and craving her mother's love. Her mother, on her part, was studying for her PhD and so was very busy. She had little time to appreciate her daughter's achievements at school. Meena gradually became withdrawn and rebellious and her grades began to fall, leading to further arguments with her parents. Her parents were told to understand the reasons behind her behaviour, control their anger and reach out to her and tell her that they did love and appreciate her. Meena, in turn, was made to understand that her mother's academic dreams were important to her. With time, Meena became less insecure and the bond between Meena and her parents began to strengthen.
Prizing your child is different (and better) than praising him
If your child draws a scribbled picture and you say, "Oh, that's beautiful!", your child is likely to go back and draw another scribbled picture that looks like the one that was praised. Instead of being guided by their own creativity, they are being guided by what you think. To avoid the problems created by praising, you can simply ‘prize' or value your children. If your child achieves straight As,you could say, "You should be so proud of yourself. You worked really hard, and it paid off."
Dr Biddappa's case study: Tanya, 14, came to me because she need help to overcome her performance anxiety. I recollect Tanya telling me not to say "good" every time she got her answers right on evaluation because it made her very anxious about the times she did not hear me say "good". I realised I was actually making her anxious instead of positively reinforcing her. Her parents too would praise her work all the time as they did not want to make her feel sad. This made Tanya extremely ‘performance conscious'. Her anxiety revolved around pleasing people. So she was helped to deal with compliments and constructive criticism, while at the same time being desensitised to her performance anxiety. Her parents were counselled on how to appreciate her for her efforts by choosing the right words, instead of the cursory praise they usually showered on her.
Acknowledging the positive and negative in a non-judgemental way is important in nurturing children’s success
It is always the relationship between the child and you that needs to be the focus when a child is behaving destructively or inappropriately.
Dr Biddappa's case study: When Dev, 16, and his parents came to me, he seemed to be a very angry young lad. He flunked his O levels and was not motivated to do well. His father, an authoritarian, had stopped giving him pocket money, so Dev sold a few things from home without his parents' knowledge. It was only when they found him with a Blackberry they had not bought him that they realised something was amiss. Dev, defiant at first, broke down and confessed he had sold his mother's gold chain. Clearly, it was a crisis. Their busy lives and neglect of their son's emotional needs had taken its toll. His mother decided to work only part-time to be at home in the evenings. His father, too, started spending more time with Dev. Once Dev realised that his parents had forgiven him and were actually sorry for being too busy for him, he became more disciplined and responsible.
In the final analysis…
Parents need to keep their eyes on the doughnut and not on the hole. Remember to notice the moments when your child brings you joy. They don't have to be big things. It can be the little curl of hair on his forehead, her sweet smile, the way he holds a flower, the way she says "snissors" instead of "scissors", how small and precious his feet and hands are, how she reaches for you, how he runs to you when you come home, how round her cheeks are, how lyrical his laugh is, how curious she is, how hard he tries. The list is endless. The little moments in your child's life are what you will cherish the most.
