Mankerchief: I carry a good strong masculine hankie in my top pocket at all times. It lends one that air of decisiveness necessary for thrashing out vital trade deals — and it's also sufficiently soft and pliable to wipe away the tears when they don't go so well.
Mirror: If you're a top-ranking world leader, you don't want to let your country down. That's why I travel with a hand-mirror at all times, plus a PGA (Personal Grooming Assistant) to hold it for me when my hands are full.
No-nonsense: I'm a no-nonsense kind of guy and to help get that tough, realistic message across, I employ a personal photographer and filmmaker, a head of communications, a personal stylist, a cosmetic aide and two lovely ladies who look after my suits and ties.
Ostrich: One of my first tasks on taking office was to dispatch my chief communications officer, Andy, to London Zoo to give the ostriches a few handy lessons in personal presentation. Since then, the ostriches have begun to take a real pride in their personal appearance — one of them, Olly, is even the proud possessor of some great hair extensions.
Personal stylist: On the subject of hair extensions, my personal stylist, Amy, can't wait to see me with them but I tell her that The UK is suffering deep economic difficulties and hair extensions are inappropriate. But within a year or two, when things improve — as I am confident they will — the British people may well wish to celebrate the new-found wealth by seeing their Prime Minister with hair extensions.
Quiff: My colleague Nick Clegg sports a discreet quiff and I must say it suits him very well. There have been calls from both sides of the coalition government for me to follow suit but let's not rush into things.
Smart casual: This is, I gather, somewhere between smart and casual, ie, not too smart but then again, not too casual either. That's why it speaks to all classes. Ties: Nick Clegg and I spend a precious few minutes every Monday morning sorting out which ties to wear through the week. We don't want them to clash — but, then again, we don't want to look like copycats, either.
Together, all in this: I often put my hand on little Vince Cable's shoulder and say to him: "Look, Vince, we're all in this together. We must celebrate some time. Now, run along and sort out those figures, there's a good man."
I then give him a wink before sending him on his way. The guy laps it up. And that's the style of coalition Unemployed: There have been calls from some quarters for all the unemployed people to be allotted a photographer from government funds, so as to record them going about their daily business. Sadly, this is a luxury the UK cannot afford.
Vampires: Very fashionable. Or so my press officer Andy tells me. For this reason, I'm having tooth extensions fitted in the New Year but it's all very hush-hush.
Windblown: A great look for outdoorsy shots vis-à-vis weather-based visits to storm-tossed areas. In the absence of wind, Jeff from Props provides his own electric windblower at no extra expense.
Christmas tree: This year, the Downing Street Christmas tree will be about 3.5 metres high. Andy says I'll look very tall and resolute standing next to it and he knows about these things.
Young: The Conservative Party must appeal to the young and that's exactly why I will continue to wear a flowery cravat on informal occasions.
Zip: Zip or buttons? The eternal question. There's no reason they shouldn't both play their part: after all, they are very much part of the Big Society.
