An invitation drops into my inbox with a fascinating history of King's Lynn. It was one of Britain's most important ports by the 13th century and became part of the Hanseatic League of trading powers in the 15th century. Wheat ushered in another age of prosperity but the railways left it high and dry but "certainly devoid of visitors".
Well, King's Lynn is guaranteed at least two tonight. M is at the wheel and we find cobbled King's Staithe Square and its sturdy former bank with ease. Originally built for a merchant, Joseph Gurney added a banking hall in the 1780s and opened his first bank house (after a series of mergers and acquisitions, it became Barclays Bank).
Although there is a grand frontage, complete with a statue of King Charles I, the only open door in the Bank House Hotel, at the side, leads into the bar. We find out later that this was Gurney's counting house. Now it is a medley of windows, chocolate and moss green walls, pink velvet and polished wood. Just a handful of people are in. A staffer leads us around and about until we reach the main staircase — and we're back at that grand frontage (except that now we're inside instead of out). Why on earth isn't this the hotel entrance?
Royal comfort
Up a couple of flights to our rooms. One, called The Bathroom, has a roll top in front of the window (is that wise?), pale drapes, a small sofa and a terrific view across the River Ouse while Tom's Room, next door, is smaller and overlooks King Charles. M bags the river view, I go for my favourite monarch. Besides, I like the combo of warm orange, dark beams and modern shower room.
Candlelight flickers in the bar. It has been a glorious day, a refreshment is only £6.50 (Dh36) a glass and it seems a shame that this room is only being enjoyed by us.
The brasserie is barely populated. People are whispering (except us, of course). The food is something to shout about, though. Twice-baked goat's cheese soufflé and smoky slices of salmon with a smear of horseradish-tinged crème fraiche, then roasted cod with stew and melt-in-the-mouth slow-roast lamb shoulder on minted peas with potato gratin.
Seriously good at ludicrously low prices — and so is breakfast, at which a buffet table bears berry compote, fruit, cheeses and cold meats.
Only watery orange juice disappoints — but why has no one touched up the chipped aubergine paintwork in the brasserie? Come to think of it, why didn't my radiator ever come on and which rooms get the "fluffy white" towels mentioned on the website?
A hotel in such an historic setting (we cannot fathom why it isn't stuffed with tourists) needs more energy, some passion to make it the destination it could be.
