Every Sunday at the beginning of the workweek, Nandita would start vomiting and required medical attention.
She would call in sick and say that her condition was very bad and that she had to be put on a drip at an emergency ward of a hospital.
When she sought counseling after repeated such incidents, the reason behind her illness was found to be due to a form of bullying by her manager. “She was not being included in team meetings, she was not copied in on the email messages, and basically ignored,” says Mary John, Clinical Psychologist and Neurofeedback Therapist at the Dubai Community Health Centre.
“Whatever she did was bad. She was told she could not write an email and that her English was bad. Everything was a mistake and not a single thing was appreciated.”
Bullies are everywhere; at the workplace, or at home as a partner in a marriage, a child, or the teacher, says the counselor. “Subtle remarks like a teacher telling a child that she is doing good and that she likes her, when another child is listening, is also a form of psychological bullying,“ says the counselor.
Bullies get pleasure out of the control they have on you; it is the feeling of empowerment, getting the upper hand (that drives them).
Bullies come in various forms and they are narcissistic, very full of themselves, they really believe they are the authority, and are in control, says the counselor. “Unfortunately, corporations tend to put such people on a pedestal and they go up the ladder. There is a fine line between being aggressive and being assertive,” she says.
Companies cannot seem to contain such people or address their behaviour, and tend to let them get away with such behaviour and rudeness, she says.
When you are bullied everyday, it starts to affect your physical and mental wellbeing. Physically it hits you and you may develop skin rash, aches and pains in various parts of the body and then it moves on into becoming a more serious illness such as cardio-vascular disease and hypertension.
Emotionally, the bullying will affect you first through headaches, backaches, feeling nauseous and then depression. “You dread going to work,” says the counselor.
Because of bullying at work, you become less productive, less creative, and ultimately leave your job. “I know a number of people who have had to take anti-depressants because of their workplace bullies,” says the counselor.
Alarmingly, a study has shown that those who are bullied tend to become bullies themselves, she says.
Men tend to be more physical in their bullying. Women are smarter and manipulative. They target weaker individuals, get them on their side, and exploit them. They either withhold information or spread misinformation. “Bullies tell lies straight to your face,” says the counselor.
A child becomes a bully when he sees parents bullying each other. Genes also play in turning you into an aggressive person, says the counselor. Some personalites need constant attention in any form and they are happy when they harass others. “Managers who have a little bit of power, use that tp belittle or bully people,” says the counselor.
A hostile workplace often leads to a decline in productivity in the employees and to a less successful company. There are no figures here in the UAE regarding bullying at the office however, the counselor quotes a study that in the U.S. at least 37 percent of the workers say they have been bullied at work.
Bullies can ruin a company’s image and reputation and it finds that it is harder to get new recruits when word gets around that employees are miserable and leaving.
But what exactly is bullying? “It is persistent unwelcome behaviour, unwarranted or invalid criticism, like fault finding, singling out someone,” says the counselor. The bully will humiliate the victim by shouting out, or monitor excessively, giving verbal and written warnings.
“The purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy. It is said that good managers manage, while bad managers bully,” she says. This person will never accept responsibility for their behaviour. He or she is unwilling to recognise the effect of their behavior on others and is unwilling to recognise that there could be better ways of behaving. Bullies enjoy seeing the fear in the other person’s eyes.”
The counselor believes it is important to recognise the signs and symptoms that you are being bullied. “It is up to you to stand up and not become a victim,’ she says.
Unhappy relationships
In a relationship, if the wife feels sick at the time of a husband’s return home, then there is a need for a heart-to-heart talk. “Do not take the bullying. Many times, I have heard a wife saying the husband’s bullying is because he loves her. Do not go into denial,” warns the counselor.
There are various types of bullying at home by either partner. There is the emotional and psychological bullying such as avoiding a person for days together, or putting a person down in front of others. Then there is withdrawing of love and affection. Bullying at home can also degenerate into abuse and physical violence.
Sexual abuse can be a husband demanding abnormal sex. In the office, it can be inappropriate looks, touching at the wrong places. “The sad part is that in many cases there are no witnesses or marks left. The bully will deny very emphatically that anything happened. ‘How can you say that?’ he or she will say loudly, even if the incident occurred just five minutes back.”
The mental abuse is trying to belittle the spouse, such as, “I can’t take you to a party. You don’t look good.”
The victim loses confidence and begins to question herself whether she is at fault as she is not a good wife and a good human being, says the counselor. “Most of the time it is the (bullying) husband that says it is his wife’s fault,” she says. “The bully will always try to make people believe the victim is mentally sick and that it not his fault.”
The counselor advises that in such cases of being bullied, you have to stand up for yourself. “Try and understand why you are uncomfortable with a person in a relationship, with a manager or a colleague or a partner.” Shouting back won’t help with a bully, she says.
“Ask what is stopping you from leaving this relationship. Recognise the problem. Talk to your parents, your friends, someone. It helps. Never think it is your fault.”
The counselor says that some women do not leave their husbands despite being beaten up because of factors such as family values, the cultural upbringing, and the fear the the husband will track her down and if she leaves him.
The victim should talk it out with someone she or he can trust. “If colleagues cannot be trusted, then seek professional or outside help. It is important to believe that it is not your problem but that it has to do with the bully’s inadequacies,” she says.
