Notes to self: Globetrotting writer Gaby Doman on the pros and cons of love

I’ve always loved the idea that I wouldn’t change anything about my life for a man. I like it because it makes me feel strong and independent and a bit badass. As it happens, I’ve been single for much of my twenties, so I really haven’t had the chance to put it to test much, but those times I have, I have crumbled horribly.

For instance, I remember meeting a boy last year (maybe you remember The Speedboat Driver? It’s ok if you don’t, I barely do, either). I told him when I was being Independent Gaby (my default setting when talking to men, to make them think I couldn’t care less), that I didn’t want a relationship. A few days later, after a lovely weekend, he said to me he’d like to be my boyfriend.

Though my tone was cool when I said “yeah, ok..why not?”, my brain was going into overdrive about all the things I could do now. I could pretend to cook (heat up pasta), I could talk endlessly about “my boyfriend”, I could have a little photo of us as my phone wallpaper, I could FINALLY change my Facebook relationship status! Anyway, while my brain was still whirring with excitement, he laughed and said “I thought you didn’t want a boyfriend? Why did you change your mind so quickly?”

He was just teasing me, but I chastised myself for changing my mind so easily at the chance of a relationship. I can’t remember our conversation after that except that I went into self-preservation mode. We broke up a few weeks later anyway because a) his English wasn’t very good and my Thai is horrible (which makes arguments even more frustrating and long-winded) and b) I saw him holding hands with another girl. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

There have been a few occasions like that when I’ve broken my rule about not changing anything for a man. I also suspect that, given a faint whiff of a gesture (it probably wouldn’t need to be all that grand, if I’m honest), I would pack up my things and move thousands of miles to be with my ex, even though I love Bangkok and have absolutely no desire to move. I’d possibly spend five to ten minutes trying to get him to come here instead before I give in and hopped on the next flight out.

I’m not sure why I can’t stick to the whole “don’t change your plans for a man” thing. In theory, I think that if a man wants you enough, he will fit in with your life. Sure, there need to be some compromises, but where do you draw the line between compromise and just plain old desperation? Sometimes it seems that, in the quest for love, many of us agree to anything. Is it romantically following your heart or being petrified that if you don’t give every opportunity a shot, you’ll always wonder “what if?”

My female friends and I in Bangkok have this dilemma on a regular basis. We love Bangkok. It’s really hard not to love living in this city if you suffer a little bit from ADHD, as I’m sure everyone who moves here does. But, for us girls it’s really hard. You’ll know that if you’ve read even one of my columns. There are loads more men here than women (can’t remember statistics and I refuse to look them up because they upset me) and the men that aren’t here are generally uninterested in or scared by 5 foot 7 blonde girls. I also don’t do myself any favours by only really going for Thai men who barely speak English. Don’t ask me why — it’s not a conscious decision.

So, many of us here believe that choosing to be in Bangkok is sort of like choosing to die alone. At the moment, I am still holding out hope that fate has a nice surprise in store but, as one-by-one my friends leave the country in pursuit of love (three of them have done that very thing this month alone!) then I begin to wonder just how active you have to be in pursuit of love. Is it foolish to think it will fall in your lap when it’s meant to? Or should you do all you can to increase the odds? Love isn’t everything, of course, but this independent woman is starting to get a bit weary of being perpetually single.