Nine years on and now I realise I’m still grieving for my mother. Hidden within the blur of routine and random mirth there was always that niggling doubt, but not until I heard Hope Edelman, author of bestselling novel Motherless Daughters, at the launch of Raymee Grief Centre, did the penny drop.
“There is no end,” explains Edelman. Having lost her mother at age 17, she knows that people do not “get over” grief; they learn to integrate it into their lives and move forward.
“When people do not have a good understanding of what grief is and the life-long impact it can have on them, they can often go decades without realising that what is motivating their anger, insecurity, over-eating, depression or substance abuse is grief,” said Dr Carey Kirk, programme coordinator of the UAE’s first grief centre. “In the past, I have worked with adult men who come to the realisation at age 50 that the depression they have suffered most of their lives is connected to the death of their father, who died when they were 9 years old.”
Though personal in nature, grief has always been a social affair; traditionally communities looked after their anguished members. But with the pace of life speeding up, especially in a city such as Dubai where residents are away from their families, such social mechanisms no longer exist and most people are left to grieve alone.
According to Dr Saliha Afridi, clinical psychologist and director, The LightHouse Arabia, “What they don’t realise is that the wound they leave untreated creates an infection which spreads to many areas of their being. They may not be able to relate as well or feel as much if they numb the grief out. Time does not heal grief, active work towards healing heals.”
In 2011 an estimated 1,636 Emiratis and 3,475 expats died within Dubai, Abu Dhabi, and Fujairah. They left behind children, parents, siblings, co-workers and friends forever impacted by their death. As death can sometimes prove to have a crippling financial impact on the surviving individuals, the non-profit centre provides no-cost support services to children from 2-17 years who have experienced the death of a sibling or parent as well as support for the surviving parent or adult caregiver because research suggests one of the most effective ways to deal with grief is to meet people who know what it is like to lose a loved one.
HELP AT HAND
Raymee Grief Centre is run by a team of licensed counsellors and is equipped to provide grief support groups in several languages, including English, French, Arabic and Urdu. Write to Carey Kirk at ckirk@lighthousearabia.com or call the LightHouse Arabia clinic at 04-3809298.
The ‘HOW’ OF HEALING
“Just as every loss is an individual experience, so is every healing method,” says Hope Edelman author of six nonfiction books including bestsellers Motherless Daughters, Motherless Mothers and The Possibility of Everything.
Edelman explains what a grieving person can do to recover:
• Counselling, support groups and conversations with close friends or compassionate spouses can be helpful.
• Artistic expression, such as writing or painting, can be useful outlets for emotions.
• Physical activity such as swimming or going to the gym, yoga or daily walks can prove equally effective.
ARE YOU GRIEVING
There are many forms of grief. Though symptoms of it per se are not troubling, their intensity and duration can be a sign that professional help is needed. Dr Saliha Afridi lists what to look out for:
• Signs of depression such as bouts of crying, lack of concentration, disturbances in sleep and appetite, and withdrawal from social network.
• Feeling numb and disconnected, almost as if the person is in a parallel time and space.
• Frustration and confusion.
• Psychosomatic symptoms such as headaches, backaches, fatigue and loss of energy rather than emotional symptoms (especially seen in Asian and Middle Eastern people).
