Experience
No chore is too big, I was brought up by a single mum
I agree that women work more at home, simply because when it comes to childcare, mothers spend more time with children than men do. However, when it comes to other work at home, my wife and I alternate almost every chore. We share responsibilities equally, so sometimes I cook in the morning and she cooks at night, or the other way around. I think your culture and nationality can have an impact in these things, because in the Philippines most couples have very clear rules on who does what in the house.
Personally, I was raised by a single mum because my father passed away when I was eight. I saw her struggle and I was affected by the situation in our family. By the time I was 10, I was already working outside to make money. At home, I know how to do everything – from ironing, cooking, washing clothes to cleaning. I know how to do everything because of my experiences in life. I have been married for four years, and I and my wife work equally at home, too. But if the couple doesn’t share household responsibilities equally, it definitely does affect the child. If a couple fights at home, for example, that is not good for the child’s mindset. Similarly, when the children see that their father is not doing much at home and their mother is doing a lot of work at home, it will have a big impact on them as they grow up. To me, it all has to do with the man’s attitude. Women naturally work well at home and end up working after they come back home from the office. They are quite organised when it comes to work at home.
From Mr Peter Aymard S. Dignadice
Mason tile fitter living in Dubai
Understanding
My husband steps in whenever necessary
In my case, my husband comes up with his own idea of work at home, so he tries to help me out as and when required. I can’t say that men are too stubborn and don’t understand when they have to step in to work. If I have to go out for a meeting, he takes care of our daughter completely. We have an understanding since we both work, so when I am out, he takes care of the work at home entirely. We have no support from either a nanny or any family member so I really appreciate it. Yet, there are a few moments where I might consider that he could help me out and step up. But I guess it differs with everyone – everybody wants their own time and space. I don’t regret that. When they come back home at night, they should feel like they are at home and able to relax. Also, as and when required, he helps out depending on the situation. But broadly speaking, I don’t think the distribution of work is equal. I have seen my mother, his mother as well as other women who have spent their lives very differently. Because women in my generation are working a lot more, we are in a better place.
Even when it comes to the additional work, I believe it is okay. For example, I feel cherished when I spend time with my daughter, putting her to bed for example. Even she prefers that I am the one who puts her to bed. But if I am tired or not feeling well he steps in and does everything. I believe it all depends on the understanding between the couple and if you have that, it is not very difficult to balance life at home or at work.
From Ms Garima Dhirendra
Real estate consultant and mother of one living in Dubai
Practical
I grew up around strong women and that had an impact
At my home, no, most of the household chores are done by my husband. We both work and he does a lot of work at home, especially the laundry. He also loves to cook and makes delicious meals for me. But I don’t think this is a common occurrence. When I look at some of my friends who are married, they do a lot more work at home than the men. I believe your personality makes a big difference in how you manage the relationship. I do have a strong personality, so I can tell my husband anything without fear. Also, because I am more organised, I set the schedule at home. Sometimes, I even feel bad when I see him come back late for work and still manage to do the laundry!
I think it might be because, after my biological mother passed away when I was eight months old, I was raised by my step-mother, who also had a very strong personality. I learnt from her as a child. She, too, was very straightforward with my father. My father’s job required him to be out of station for many days on end, but even when he came back home after 15 days or a month, he would always do a lot more work at home than my mum. My aunties, too, were not only focused on household chores. They were all working women, who were focused on raising their children. Maybe, because of them, I too, don’t have a very traditional approach to marriage and housework. I have to work to make sure I raise my children well, and that is the most practical way to approach life.
From Ms Ethyl May Lor Laurel
Receptionist living in Dubai
Reality
Men talk about equal rights and equal work, but rarely practise what they preach
Women definitely do a lot more work than men. That is what I have been seeing growing up as part of our culture. Even today, with some of my friends, the woman has to do a lot more work at home and my friends just sit and relax after work. This is because most people don’t practice what they preach. When talking about equal rights and how work should be distributed at house, every man would agree that it should be equal. They might have a lot to say, but often they fail to bring it into practice. Besides, I would not like to call it ‘workload’. It is something that we do with our hearts, the things we do for our family is never ‘workload’ and it can be fun if both the partners understand each other well and do it together. Even if the woman wasn’t working, I would help with the housework. If I am part of the family, it is my responsibility as well, I won’t put it on the woman’s shoulder alone. I do plan to get married by next year and that is how I hope to build my home.
I also would not agree that children might end up having a sexist perspective on life if their parents don’t’ share the workload. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit. With every generation, they continue to get smarter. I think if they see that the woman is doing more work at home, they naturally have more value and respect for her because she is the one running the house. The children’s day-to-day routines are managed by women whereas the man doesn’t want to involve himself in anything. For example, when I was growing up, I saw my father have a similar attitude. I have a sister and he would say things like, “There are two women in the house, why is the housework still pending?” The kind of words you would normally here in a traditional house. But when you see what the other person is going through, it has an impact. I would see my mum, who was also a working woman, come back and do all the work at home. I would see her get tired. Today, I see her when she has grown old and physically weak. This made me think why the woman alone has to do all the work at home?
What I prefer is to divide the work equally and if the woman comes back home and I have an off day on that day, I would let her rest and do the work myself. I am seeing this change in some of my friend’s families as well – they have started to accept that equal distribution of work is part of the reality and are trying to change, too.
From Mr Alvin Stephen John
Air side operator living in Dubai
— Compiled by Huda Tabrez/Community Web Editor
Do you think the modern couple is truly equal? Why do you think the majority of men are unable to take up equal responsibility of house work? Share your views on this topic or participate in a future debate. Write to us at readers@gulfnews.com
Gulf News asked: In your household, who does the majority of household work?
Husband 23%
Wife 77%
