“Wow! Living in Amsterdam with teenagers, aren’t you concerned about what they might do?” asked one of my friends over dinner. “Oh, my kids would never do that (referencing inappropriate behaviour),” responded the other CEO in the conversation.
Yet, he went on to talk about how he spies on them and tracks their every move. “I can tell that they are typing on WhatsApp when they should be sleeping. So, I send a message telling them to go to sleep.”
On one hand he says he trusts his kids and they are free to do whatever they want, knowing they will do the ‘right’ thing. And at the same time, he tracks their every movement displaying his real lack of trust.
I can only imagine what he is like as a leader. Proclaiming to his employees they are empowered and free to make decisions, he probably doesn’t really let them be empowered and deep down doesn’t trust them. It’s obvious he doesn’t really trust his kids, or he wouldn’t be checking WhatsApp to see if they are asleep.
This is his natural character, to say they have freedom when they are really living under restriction. When I heard this story about his parenting style, I immediately profiled what he is like as a leader. I can hear him preaching in the corporate hallways about empowerment, but controlling every action that differs from his template. As a leader, you’re better off saying something and doing the same — don’t practice hypocritical behaviour.
At a deeper level this example made me wonder, “Do people lead the way they parent?” Or maybe it is the other way around ... people parent the way they lead. Well, that is a different conversation and deserves its own column.
Leading to the conclusion that people most often do lead the way they parent, you need to understand that unless the cycle is broken, human behaviour mimics previous inputs. Parenting, actually how we were parented is a base authority model. We parent the way we were parented because that is how we perceive authority figures, specifically parents, are to behave.
Especially in the case of parenting you experience minimal reference models, making it even more likely to copy yours.
I know those can be harsh words for many, because you spend your childhood, particularly the teenage years, swearing that when you are a mom or dad, you will not repeat their evil ways (meaning whatever your parents were doing that didn’t settle with your teenage idealism). While there are few actual exceptions and many hoped for excuses, fast-forward a decade or two and copycat parenting comes full circle.
Just as parenting behaviour is shaped by previous inputs, so is the way we lead. We copy previous authority models and figures. The three base developmental authority figures are parents, teachers and early career bosses. Behavioural shaping comes via copying or rejecting what you lived through ... either way you are shaped by previous authority figures.
So the inductive conclusion is you probably do lead the way you parent.
Now, is this a problem? Not necessarily. But the problem is when the behaviour is less than ideal as exhibited in the snooping, distrusting parent who said his kids are free, yet practically live under house arrest.
This leads us to what you should do if you recognise you need to alter the way you lead.
Making a change in the way you lead is very hard as it is environmentally wired into who you are. First of all, make sure you are not acting like the teenager who says, “When I grow up I won’t be like you” and then became just like mom and dad.
As a follower, it is easy to identify ‘horrible boss’ actions and swear you will never be that way when you are the boss. Reality shows you have a better chance of becoming that horrible boss than breaking the cycle.
To break the cycle you need to specifically choose what should be different and then like any habit you need to diligently work on it, every day. Leadership is habitual and it takes practice to replace an existing habit.
Since it is likely that you do lead the way you parent, making a positive change can have a double impact — at home and work.
— The writer is a leadership adviser and author of 10 Tips for Leading in the Middle East and other writings. Follow him on Twitter: @tommyweir.
