I’m pretty vocal about the fact that I hate responsibilities or, at least, I’m terrified of them. They make me feel a bit suffocated and scared. Even my gym contract makes me feel a bit nauseous if I think about it too much.
When things get a bit hot and heavy, when it comes to relationships, work or anything, it seems life has a funny way of introducing an unexpected plot twist and everything changes. A few months ago, that was my relationship ending but, I’ve still been restless. My job, this city. It’s all so familiar. So I quit.
I quit my easy job with the regular wage and I have no idea what I’m going to do in the next 30 days when I’ve worked my notice. I just felt the overwhelming urge for a little recklessness and to shake up this snow globe. If feels nice to have things up in the air for a second. They’ll always settle eventually, but those moments when you don’t know quite how things will settle is a huge buzz.
I’d been thinking about quitting for a while, then my friend posted this quote on his Facebook page by someone called Liz Lennon from Life Dreaming (I’d never heard of it before, but this quote came at the perfect time), “If you find that you’re focusing your time, money and energy on things that aren’t truly important to you and that you don’t value, then at a very deep level you’ll know your life is out of sync and then it’s up to you to decide what you’ll do about it”.
I quit within the hour after reading it. It’s something I’m in a lucky position to be able to do — I have a low cost of living and no dependents.
I don’t know if I did the right thing but I feel, quite viscerally, that there’s something about the job that doesn’t sit right with my soul. I don’t want to spend my days glorifying people whose only talents are that they were born rich, have a lot of time on their hands and look good at store openings. I think shoes and clothes are boring. I think they distract us from the things in life that are genuinely important. Sure, a little light relief is excellent (this is coming from a girl who’s a Revenge obsessive, after all), but I can’t take myself seriously when I spend my days pretending to place importance on these things.
Similarly, chefs; I have to interview a lot of chefs which is great and I find it fascinating. I love to interview almost anyone because people are fascinating. But so many chefs have such egos. Why? Essentially, your job is to make dinner. I don’t see my nurse friends pushing their importance on me in quite the same way.
I just feel like I’m in a world where our priorities are skewed and we look up to the wrong people. I’m getting out of that world. I have no plan, but I’m getting out.
I’ll probably stay in Bangkok for a while, but I recognise the same patterns of behaviour I had in Dubai when my feet started to get itchy; I didn’t know what I wanted or where I wanted, but I knew it wasn’t what I had at that moment in time.
Cue lots of Googling of new destinations (San Francisco? Amsterdam? Shanghai? Bali?) and lots more Googling of possible jobs. I just want a job that pays well, has no visa worries, lets me wear comfortable clothes (please no more heels), doesn’t make me feel like I’m selling my soul and gives me a little free time. Is that so much to ask? I’m beginning to think it is.
