How does one go from revered to reviled with just the addition of five letters of the alphabet? This is not something that has happened in the recent elections in India or as the result of a turnaround in cricket. This is a worldwide problem — since practically the beginning of time for human beings.

As a mother, you are a positive pivot. As a mother-in-law ... uh-oh, your every word and gesture is under scrutiny.

In India, we have saas-bahu (mother-in-law — daughter-in-law) television serials to perpetuate stereotypes, in the West the mother-in-law — son-in-law equation is the subject of endless jokes.

A recent article on the internet claimed that when married women get together, their mothers-in-law are the not-so-pleasant topic of conversation; a newly launched book contains real-life stories of this relationship and how best to handle situations that arise.

Funny that we forget that both motherhood and mother-in-law-hood are mantles we don without any real preparation; and if one comes, the other is not far behind.

Close at hand, I have experienced only two mothers-in-law in action. One was my own mother when my siblings married and the other was my husband’s mother when I got married — and neither of them seemed to have a problem moving gracefully from one designation to the other.

As a mother-in-law, Mother never appeared to me to be doing something that required any effort on her part or any great change in her way of thinking and acting. She had struggled with two difficult daughters (and a not-so-easy son as well) and it must have been refreshing for her to have someone whom she could talk to without an argument — but it was never obvious to us or to my sister-in-law that she preferred any one over the other. Our family had just become a little larger; in time, there were young additions, and she was there as everyone’s anchor.

With that example to bolster me, I traipsed into my mother-in-law’s home almost a decade later with no qualms or fears. I did not have ‘Will she like me / will she not like me?’ ringing in my ears. There was no turmoil. And when that diminutive lady with an unexpectedly gruff voice just gave me a hug, I felt comfortable from Day One. She made no lengthy speeches to make me feel at ease: I was the last in-law to enter the family and she just took it in her stride, with no great expectations from me.

Change of allegiance

We shared some likes, we did not share others. And she was so unlike my own mother that there was never a question of change of allegiance or affection. Each had her own place in my scheme of things.

However, there was one thing I always preferred about my mother-in-law — in her kitchen I could be as slap-dash and as hurried as I liked. She didn’t wince or even look up when the vegetables flew helter-skelter as I sliced and diced, dishes tumbled down with a clatter or the ladle flew out of my hand and hit the wall, curry and all. So what if I was a bull in a china shop? At least there was some contribution towards the meals of the day! That was refreshing after all the frowns I had earned in my mother’s kitchen!

It could be that these experiences seem more comfortable and comforting through the happy haze of hindsight, and that is why I haven’t made any attempt to prepare for the next all-important role in life that goes hand-in-hand with the great adventure of motherhood.

I would like to believe that just being myself, which was enough as a daughter and a daughter-in-law, is enough for me as a mother-in-law as well. Because just being herself is all my daughter-in-law needs to be.

Cheryl Rao is a journalist based in India.