As the World Cup action reaches a fever pitch, I fear for the life of someone close to me. Her husband is a huge sports fan and once made the mistake of taking her along to watch a game.
Breaking the hushed silence, she asked him in all innocence what the umpire’s gesture meant. To her utter shock and dismay, her partner’s face turned a shade of red so intense she wondered if he was having a seizure. Turning the full force of his wrath on her, he screamed: “That’s not an umpire. That’s a referee, you duffery!”
As heads turned and sounds of muffled laughter could be heard, she vowed that was the last time she would attend a sports event. What she cannot understand to this day is why watching some people playing a game needs complete silence. Yes, she knows it is a spectator sport, but isn’t life supposed to be a learning experience? If so, shouldn’t questions be welcomed and answered?
It is amusing to see male heads bent over timetables of football game fixtures. I wonder if they have ever scrutinised a timetable with this intensity in their lifetime. Recalling the number of times I have had to take schoolboys to task for forgetting to do their homework or bringing the wrong text book, I can safely say that this is a first.
Seeing that the month of madness is upon us, I have some tips for all you women out there whose partners transform into unrecognisable creatures right before your eyes.
It would help greatly if you control the purse strings. In such a scenario, you can veto the idea of paying for an upgrade to the Fifa package. Feel free to use excuses such as the hike in rents and children’s school fees. The man in your life will probably seek other places where he can watch the games. That leaves you free to switch to your favourite serials without fear of interruption.
However, if you aren’t lucky enough to be the finance manager in your house, here is some advice on how to survive the month unscathed.
The most important rule is not to comment if you are watching the game. In the interest of peace in the household, give your man free rein and reign in front of the idiot box. Let him rant and rave at someone else’s mistakes even if you feel he is overreacting since the closest he has come to any form of exercise is passing by the gym while driving.
Since this month also celebrates Father’s Day, give him the present he’s always coveted — Gift-wrap the remote and hand it to him. He’ll be as pleased as Punch and the gesture won’t put you out of pocket.
If you’re sitting there with him because you’ve been brought up right, refrain from getting up. Try and sit as silently as you can. Pretend you’ve been sent to Coventry. That way you can revel in a feeling of righteousness at being wronged.
If you have to get up, remember never to pass in front of the TV screen. Or, better still, see that you have a wall-mounted one. Apparently, obstruction is a cardinal sin and not just in games.
Do not, under any circumstances, harbour any illusions of family outings. You and the children will be under house arrest, watching him watch the match. Show him you can be as professional as anyone else. No comments on looks or comparison of physiques of players. Concentrate on the game.
‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ is sage advice in this instance. You will survive this June madness because you can spend the time spent sitting in silence, planning payback time.
