Recently, someone aggressively asked me, “Who are your friends?” — the conversational context suggesting that I’d become so difficult to deal with that I couldn’t possibly have any.

Though an attempt to emotionally manipulate, I paused later to think about it. “Who are my friends?” I asked myself (in a kinder tone).

As I reached back for the answer, it hit me that I have held onto friends from every stage of my life, starting from Grade 1, and going through each of my schools, my colleges, my jobs, as well as my various projects and obsessions.

Some I’m in touch with more than others, but we rarely fail to look each other up when we’re in the same part of the world. Two of my close friends never write or call when I’m out of the country, but meet me all the time when I’m in Bengaluru. It’s just understood that that’s how it is and we never grudge each other the silence. Others are Whatsapped pretty much every day.

I don’t make friends easily, but I feel blessed that the friendships I do have are deep and meaningful. As difficult as life in Bengaluru could get, I loved that I had so many old friends around — some of whom I’ve known for nearly as long as I’ve lived. But I was also relieved to note that I’ve made numerous good friends in the period when I’d supposedly become so horrible that I put people off their food.

But still, I thank the question-asker for his question, because it made me remember a lot of lovely people and how precious they are. Friendships need work, and I’ve often been guilty of either taking them for granted or not pulling my share. (Several times during the writing of this article, I’ve jumped off to email someone I haven’t written to in too long.)

Some people have the idea that as they move through life’s phases, they must drop their friends from each stage. I’m not sure of the motivation, but I think it’s along the lines of, “I’ve grown and changed, and I’ve moved on now, but these people haven’t. I need to find new friends at my level.”

Sadly, it does people such disservice, and leaves a trail of former friends who are bewildered or hurt or even angry at being thrown away like empty biscuit wrappers. I feel that we instinctively know the difference between “Hey, I know I haven’t been in touch for years, but I’ve been wrapped up in my own life” and “Hey, you and I? We have nothing more to talk about. Buh-bye now”.

The former is nearly always forgiven between friends, the latter cuts deep. Moving through friends every few years seems to show a real fear of returning to who you used to be. But sometimes, one of the great joys of life is this regression — think about a school reunion where, though you are all now parents, CEOs and doctors, you’re suddenly pulling someone’s hair or laughing uproariously at the most awful jokes. Some people are terrified of this, I don’t know why. Do they think that if the wind changes they’ll get stuck there, laughing forever with former classmates about how they tormented the chemistry teacher?

A number of unrelated recent events, ranging from medical treatments to arguments to watching someone lose a friend of 60 years, have reminded me to take nothing for granted. I’ve remembered to be grateful for the greatest gift a friend gives —to accept you as you are.

So tell me, who are your friends?

Gautam Raja is a freelance journalist based in Los Angeles, US.