New Delhi: With women gaining both emotional and economic independence, the tendency towards single motherhood is on the rise globally. Single women are adopting children. No longer worried about lack of social acceptance, which earlier was hard to come by, they are on the contrary looked up to for setting examples of good parenting without any support.
In the past, single mothers who never married were often ridiculed and socially ostracised. And in a culture where a high premium is placed on marriage, a divorced mother often had to face enormous challenges.
Women became single mothers only due to a divorce or death of the spouse. Considered unethical and offensive, it was not an option to choose. But the bold, confident and courageous are now taking the decisions and becoming single mothers by choice and not chance.
The trend has caught up more so because of celebrity names including Bollywood star Sushmita Sen, who has adopted more than one child.
Incidentally, it is mainly single women who are going in for adoption, as single men face bias because of their gender. Adoption centres that have no qualms about encouraging single women seldom allow adoption by single men.
For men it's extremely difficult to go through thorough investigation procedures that the adoption agencies overwhelm them with. Not only do they have to convince them about their readiness to handle the mental, physical and financial responsibilities, their emotional longing is equally accounted for.
The agencies give preference to individuals with a strong family support mechanism. And after the officials have satisfied themselves, only then do they provide details of a compatible child.
A Central Adoption Resource Authority (CARA) official, an adoption agency under the Ministry of Women and Child Development said: "We encourage adoption by single women, but so far no man has approached us to adopt a child. But whether it is the couple or a single mother, the family has to be known well before we give away the child."
Patriarchal shackles
The situations may be different for single mothers — some, who have never been married and others who are divorced or widowed before becoming mothers. Yet each of them has a desire to be a mother and also the belief that they can alone raise a child effectively. They are not only hands-on mothers, but also successful working women who deal with life without affecting their careers.
Since today's women are as much career-oriented as men, they reach their 30s and 40s pursuing careers without attaching importance to marriage and opting to live alone. This often results in preferring to live alone even later in life.
Says the CARA official: "Adoption needs to be done only to fill the void in the lives of people, not out of a sense of charity. Especially in case of a single mother it becomes important for any adoption agency to know how she will behave if she decides to find a partner, as well as a contingency plan in case of her death. Such situations may not arise, but we have to keep hypothetical situations in mind."
The adoption agencies' scepticism isn't unfounded given the stereotypical image one sees in Hindi films of an unwed, poverty-stricken, uneducated, and abandoned young woman facing parenthood alone. But the successful, well-educated, professional single women of today arrive at motherhood at their own will. Raising children and sharing their happiness, they can afford to change the traditional family structure.
Ready to face society and the comments that may come their way, they are also prepared to satisfy the barrage of their child's questions, which may keep following at various stages of life. About the father as well.
In many ways, it is akin to a married couple adopting a child. In both cases, people adopting a child have to first be comfortable with themselves and not feel ashamed or go back on their decision later in life. To hide from the child that he or she has been adopted, can have an adverse effect on a child's mind. But when dealt with carefully, there is no reason why a child would feel any pangs of guilt and wonder at the reasons their real parents would have abandoned them.
The adoption agencies say: "In case the single parent is unsure of the situations that would crop up in the future, the best advice is to contact other single parents who have adopted kids or the social service agencies that assist in adoption."
Going by the figures, since the trend of becoming a single parent is still in its infancy, the first opposition for the single woman comes from the family. This is because the idea of a couple raising a child has become so ingrained in people's psyche, that it is hard to accept that a single mother can take charge of everything alone.
Recently, a landmark circular was issued by the state education department in Maharashtra instructing schools to accept the middle and last name of single mothers in the child's records. The move shows signs of Indian society shaking off the last of its patriarchal shackles. This action has brought much joy not only to single adoptive parents, but also to estranged or divorced women.
Says the CARA official: "Any parent would say that the happiness and contentment that one feels on becoming a parent whether adoptive or biological, surpasses all other joyous feelings. But an important aspect is to have friends and family members who are supportive of such a decision."
He felt that in many cases people looked at the parents who adopt a child with pity or shower them with praise for having ‘aided' the child by adopting him. "I am of the opinion that such remarks or observations should in no way unnerve the parents," he said.
The official held the view that while friends, family, and society may embrace the married couple for adopting a child, single mothers are not always so readily lauded for their plans to pursue motherhood through adoption. "But then it all depends on how strong the woman is," he added.
While some are not necessarily single by choice and hope to ultimately parent their child with a partner, others are comfortable being single and remain so.
Call it the generation change, but it's a fact that unlike the times when parents craved a son, women now prefer a daughter. Interestingly, the government and private employers have also started extending maternity benefits to single mothers and offices are providing daycare facilities for them.
