While it is important that you give your teenaged child sufficient freedom, it is also vital that there should be a check on his activities. The teenaged child should be held accountable for any lapse that might occur on his part

Balance is the key to making the first family as strong a force as the second family. When your adolescent feels comfortable and understood in his own home, the allure of his friends will reduce, and so will the chances of his indulging in dangerous behaviour.

American writer Ron Taffel in his book, The Second Family, points out that we have to give our teenagers enough reason to connect with us because the way the entire world culture is moving, they hardly seem to need adults any more.

"It's none of your business" is quite the byword with teenagers today, and another reason why parents find it hard to connect with their adolescents.

Ron Taffel argues that privacy and trust have to be earned. Parents add to this attitude by worrying "Am I intruding?" They are doubtful of their own authority. Some parents consider it normal when their 14-year-old tells them, "This is my room, you are not allowed in' or puts a lock on her door. We give in because we don't want to appear old-fashioned. Privileges and privacy are developmental.

Parents still have the right to 'snoop' around their teenager's room. Teenagers, despite their attempts at sophistication, lack the inner resources to exercise caution and judgement. Too much latitude puts teenagers in dangerous situations. Don't feel afraid of confronting your teenager: conflict opens the way to communication. Earning adult trust and being held accountable helps teenagers improve their judgement.

If your teenager has broken your trust, teach her how to earn it back. One parent imposed no telephone calls on his 14-year-old for a month. It's important that we let children know we have clear expectations, and step in before something big happens. Taffel argues that parents need to ignore the old guidelines that say "teenagers need space".

Make the time to examine the small details in your teenagers life. Typically, minor lapses begin to occur in grades six and seven. Teenagers sleep less, bathe less, study less, care less about their studies, and parents don't do anything because they've been told these are normal teenage behaviours. It is these little lapses that add up to the big ones. If you feel you are leaning towards being too rigid, learn to become more understanding. If you feel you have taken away too many limits, rein your child in with realistic limits.

Parents must abandon their old ways of thinking, and give up their biases.

Open up your heart
Have empathy and understanding for your teenager and his friends. Parents are often so upset at their teenager's behaviour that they miss the good parts too.

It's always a pleasant surprise to hear a family friend say, "Your daughter is wonderful, she always helps me put all the dishes away." Don't make superficial judgements based on dress, clothes, hair. Your teenager's friends are not a black hole of danger but offer your child a rich, connected world which you have to understand, not blindly condemn.

Open up your mind
Suspend judgement about your child's choice of music and clothes. It's hard sometimes to control one's disgust and fear when listening to music by Nine Inch Nails, Rage Against the Machine or Eminem, but this isn't about you. It's about understanding your teenager's world. You don't have to accept what you hear on the music track but unless the whole world changes, this is your child's culture. Listen and learn.

Open up your home
Make your house a place where your teenager's friends want to meet but also one that has rules. Act as parents, not as buddies. Tell your teenager's friends what is expected of them. For example: 'No smoking'; 'Whoever eats, washes'; 'Leave your shoes outside'; 'Call your parents to let them know where you are'.

Let these rules be the price of admission. Invite your teenager's friends in, and then you can shape and guide. Then you can strike a balance between being accepting and authoritative.