Dear Professor
I recently suffered the excruciating embarrassment of having a drink thrown in my face by a female stranger at a bar for congratulating her on her pregnancy. Unfortunately it turned out that she wasn’t pregnant at all, just a bit tubby. Imagine my horror six months later when I found out that this woman is the fiance of a new work colleague. He hasn’t mentioned the incident, but his manner towards me is a little icy to say the least. I need to get this off my chest as it’s making me very anxious.
Sanjeev
You’re not the only one who needs to get something off his chest. Sounds like your colleague’s portly wife needs to lay off the Ben & Jerry’s and join an aerobics class. Levity aside, most people have at some point looked at a woman’s protruding stomach and wondered, "is it a pot belly or a baby-bump?". It’s not always easy to differentiate between the two. Your mistake was to open your big mouth. It would be crass enough if it was someone you knew, but to make this remark to a total stranger smacks of premature senile dementia! And now, thanks to a horrible coincidence, you’ve earned yourself an office enemy (quick tip: don’t keep your milk in the communal staff fridge any more).
Making amends via the husband is a spineless idea. He wasn’t the one you insulted. It’s your original victim to whom you must grovel and beg forgiveness. You might also want to butter her up (not literally) with talk of how you admire Rubenesque ladies of generous proportions and spend your weekends writing letters to Vogue magazine, criticising its preference for stick-thin waifs over cake-munching chubsters.
Don’t go overboard with the flattery, though, or she’ll think you’re playing an elaborate cruel joke, and before you know it her husband will be cornering you in the office car park for a scrap. (And if he’s as hefty as his wife, you’re in for a bruising encounter, Sanjeev, I don’t care how tough you think you are.)
Additionally you could even buy her some flowers or a box of chocolates. On second thoughts, no, ditch the chocolates. It sounds like she’s eaten enough of those already.
Dear Professor
Can you suggest any alternative methods to giving up smoking? I’ve tried hypnosis, nicotine patches, chewing gum, acupuncture, Chinese herbs and even sucking on a baby’s dummy (I read somewhere that Liz Hurley quit that way) but none has worked. It doesn’t help that cigarettes are so cheap here in the UAE. What can I do?
Adam
How "alternative" are we talking here, Adam? Completely out-there, mad-as-a-bat-turd alternative? Or just slightly odd? Have you tried the silver-backed gorilla method? These animals are known for being deeply sensitive to cigarette smoke and should you light up in their face they will attempt to tear you limb from limb. If you survive the encounter I can personally guarantee that you will look upon tobacco as you would weapons-grade plutonium – something to avoid at all cost. My wife, Natalia, who once had a 20-a-day habit, tried this method and it worked a treat. It’s just a shame that Moscow Zoo issued us both with lifetime bans for breaking into the ape enclosure.
Dear Professor
How do I tell my family and friends back home that just because I am working in the UAE doesn’t mean I am super-rich? Every time I go home they expect me to buy them lunch and pay for everything. I’m fed up. Not everyone who lives here owns a Porsche and lives in a mansion.
Ibrahim
I think you’ve hit on a problem common to many expats in the UAE – I call it Returning Hero Syndrome. This is where you feel the need to go home and demonstrate how well you are doing (ie how much you are earning) via displays of materialistic excess. Nice watch, fancy shoes, the latest iPad…. Yippee! I too am riding the Gulf train of prosperity. Only it’s all been purchased on a credit card, right? There’s only one way to deflect this expectancy, and that’s to get off the plane in your cheapest, most threadbare clothes, reeking of stale sweat and complaining of not having had a hot meal in months. Mark my words, people will soon put their begging bowls away – and possibly disown you, too.
