1. Talk to each other
We all know that communication is key, but holding anything vaguely resembling a conversation with your teen seems to be impossible at times. "Many times parents confuse communication with telling their child what to do, and teens are very sensitive to that," says parenting expert and author Christina Botto.
"Also, our own busy lifestyles might have given our children the impression that we do not have enough time to listen to their problems. How many times has your child approached you with a question, news or a story, and your response was either, ‘Not now, honey,' or, ‘I'm busy right now.' Perhaps you promised to listen to them at a later stage - and did not. The more often we sent our child away, the more he learned not to bother us with his problems and questions. Now that we want him to come to us, we will have to start repairing the damage."
The advice is to use any chance you get to strike up a conversation and ask open questions. Use the time when you're playing personal taxi driver to your teen as an opportunity to talk. (After all, you are both trapped in the car, and she can't run off toher room!).
Botto suggests taking advantage of television shows, movies, news reports and happenings among family and friends to discuss issues with your teen. "Ask open-ended questions in order to find out what and how your teen thinks about these events. Discuss actions and their consequences. When your teen does talk, it's important that you don't interrupt but take time to listen and give positive feedback."
2. Give them a bit of freedom
Usually, when teens do talk, they ask for things, if not money, then more freedom. The dilemma is that they may feel grown-up, but you still see your ‘little baby' in them. So, how much freedom is enough and how much too much? "Give teens age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately," says Nadine Kaslow, professor of psychiatry and behavioural sciences at Emory University. "But you need to know where they are. That's part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening, to check in. But that depends on the teen, how responsible they have been."
Botto agrees, "Every teenager wants as much freedom as they can get, but in order to keep them safe, parents should not allow their teen more freedom than they can handle. Instead of talking about more freedom, turn it around and ask your teen to show you how much responsibility she can handle." Botto uses bedtime as an example. "Let your teen prove that staying up an hour later isn't going to interfere with her need for sleep. Everything is fine if your teen still manages to get up in the morning and function properly. However, if she needs to be carried out of bed, then she obviously cannot handle staying up that late." You might need to revert back to your teen's original bedtime, but tell her she can try again in a few weeks. "I suggest that you never just say no to your teen's requests without giving your reasons," says Botto.
3. Don't sweat the small stuff
Giving teens a chance to establish their own identity and giving them more independence is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world. There do need to be rules — but maybe not about everything. Rob Parsons, author of Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know (Hodder & Stoughton), suggests you pick your battles. "If we choose to fight every battle — untidy bedroom, bad attitude, homework, blue hair, curfews, choice of clothes — not only will our teenagers believe we're always on their backs, but they'll never understand which of these issues really do matter to us. We have to fight the most important battles — and take the hit in the popularity stakes — but we can't fight them all."
Kaslow agrees, "Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (like a tattoo), those things matter. Purple hair, a messy room — those don't matter." Choosing your battles wisely keeps stress levels down on both sides.
4. Help them be prepared
But what if you are seriously worried that your teen is heading towards trouble? "What it comes down to," says Botto, "is not how much you worry, but how much do you trust your teen? You have taught principles, but has your teen adopted them? When teens are under the influence of their friends they will have to make on the spot decisions, without you there to hold their hand. The bestdefence is to prepare your teen for these scenarios. Talk about issues and hear your teen's opinion. Detail the consequences of getting pregnant, and stress theimportance of why not to use alcohol ordrugs. It's best if your teen hangs out with like-minded friends, but definitely come up with a good defence line or excuse your teen can use and practice."
Also, give teens a game plan. "Tell them, ‘If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me — I don't care if it's three in the morning'," says Amy Bobrow, a clinical psychologist and professor in the Child Study Center at New York University School of Medicine. Or make sure they have enough money for a taxi. "Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face," she suggests. "Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable for that child."
And if you are one of the lucky parents with a teenager who meets her responsibilities, count your blessings! Praise your teen often and let her know that you're impressed with her level of maturity and responsibility.
5. Find out who your teen is
One of the best ways a parent can help their teenager manoeuvre through the pathway to adulthood is to get to know them. Sounds silly, but they are growing into a different person from the one you have known. Most experts agree that taking time to spend with your teen and getting to know who they really are in a non-judgmental way can foster a relationship of love and respect that will last for years. While teens generally don't like it when parents are intrusive, they do like their parents to show an interest in what's important to them at this stage of their lives and development.
6. Continue family rituals
"Enjoy each other's company," advises Dr Jenny Leonard from UK Parent Coaching. Don't let your children absent themselves from family dinners, visits to relatives, holidays, and other social rituals. School activities and friends will inevitably cut down on these family times, but preserve them as much as possible. Family rituals give teens a sense of being part of a family that values its time together. Even if they act bored or disconnected, they will feel more secure knowing that their family is still a family and that they have a central place in it.
Always look for opportunities for one-to-one connection with your teenager. It might be going shopping together, a game of bowling, or even watching certain favourite TV shows together. Start a new ritual, and maybe go out for a ‘grown-up' coffee together once a week and chat.
They won't want to spend too much time with their parents, but making sure you connect with them on a regular basis will help foster a relationship that will reassure them that you love them and really do care, and that you will be there for them if, or rather when, they hit a bump in the road.
7. Remember, it's not you…
Last but not least, Rob Parsons suggests that there are ten words that every parent of teenagers ought to whisper to themselves before they go to sleep: Don't take all the credit. Don't take all the blame. "They are relevant whether your child wakes you most mornings with a cup of tea saying, ‘Anything I can do to help?', or whether they are driving you crazy. Write the words on your office blotter; write them in felt pen on your fridge; write them on your heart," advises Parsons.
