With her shoulders hunched and head down, Natalie* shuffles into the nursery where she works, avoiding eye contact with the parents dropping their little ones off for the day.
She’s still earning the same salary as when she started the job 11 years ago, and she would secretly like to train to become a teacher. But she doesn’t think she’s good enough and, at 32, she also thinks she’s too old to go to university.
As a colleague, Flavia, floats past with a cheery hello and a smile for the parents and children, Natalie looks on with envy.
Flavia is flying high. After just a year at the nursery, she was promoted and she’s now doing a course so she can specialise in toddlers with behavioural problems.
She is also a dance enthusiast and the children love her. “I’d give anything to have half of Flavia’s confidence,” says Natalie. “She’s not at all arrogant or full of herself, but genuinely lovely, and she has such a joie de vivre.
“Her life is brilliant – she travels, she does triathlons and she teaches cookery in her spare time. She really is Superwoman. Compared to her, I’m a little mouse.”
According to life coach Louise Presley-Turner, Natalie isn’t alone. Confidence issues affect most people – men and women – at some stage in their lives, and they can impinge on all areas of their world, from the jobs they apply for, to the clothes they wear and the people they date.
“If we’re feeling bad about ourselves, our inner critic – the little voice in our head – will bombard us with messages that we’re not good enough to do our job, or we can’t do a skydive because we’re too timid,” says UK-based Louise, author of Finding a Future That Fits. “Those messages filter through to our actions so we slouch when we walk, we avoid talking to people and we don’t seize opportunities that come our way. We keep ourselves small, in our own comfortable and often very boring world, and we never put our heads above the parapet.”
To build our confidence we have to quit doing the same old, same old, and regard our confidence as a muscle that needs exercising every day.
With practice, we can say goodbye to our old timid selves and hello to a brighter, happier, more outgoing version of ourselves.
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Here is Louise’s four-step plan to kick-start your confidence:
1. Create a dare list
Start by breaking out of your comfort zone. “When we’re in our comfort zone, we’re dealing with familiar things and nothing stretches us,” says Louise. “We’re like a hamster on the wheel, going round and round, and although we’re quite steady, we’re also a little boring.
“Make changes but start small. Go into a shop you’ve never been in, or cook something new for dinner. Wear some different make-up or aftershave, or tackle a job you’ve never done before such as mowing the lawn or some DIY.
“If you have children, take them to a soft play area on your own, or strike up a school-gate conversation with a parent you’ve never spoken to before. If you always get the train to work, try walking part of the journey or eat your lunch in a different place.”
Once you’ve tackled the small things, you’re ready to move to bigger challenges.
“Make a dare list of the exciting things you’d love to do,” suggests Louise. “Look at what might really stretch you. If public speaking is your big fear, plan to make a speech or give a talk to a group. If you’re not keen on being alone, book a holiday for yourself and learn to love your own company.
“Book a course of driving lessons, or go to a theme park and ride a roller coaster, or enrol for a half marathon or a triathlon. Do voluntary work for charity or put yourself forward to be a mentor at work. Apply for a job above your level or ask your boss for more money.
“By easing yourself from your comfort zone, you’re flexing that confidence muscle and your outlook on life will change. Your posture will be stronger, you will ooze enthusiasm and you will have a spring in your step.”
2. Start an evidence journal
Buy a nice book that you will want to write in. “This is going to be your evidence or gratitude journal, and in this you write down each day all the things you have achieved. Think small – your achievements don’t have to be huge!
“It could be receiving a compliment from your line manager, to getting to the office on time, walking 3km in your lunch break, getting all the laundry done, or finishing a chapter of the book you’re writing or reading. Note all positive emails and compliments.”
Louise also recommends a technique she calls Phone-A-Friend, which can result in an immediate confidence boost.
“Choose five people who like you and have your best interests at heart,” she says. “Then ask them the following five questions.
1. What do you perceive to be my greatest strengths?
2. What do you like most about me?
3. When do you see me shine?
4. What three words sum up the positive points about me?
5. What do you perceive to be the biggest blocks in my life? “Write the answers in your journal, and when you are having a bad day, or you’re feeling low in confidence, go back and read through them.”
Louise also suggests creating a Happy Box – a collection of frivolous things that make you smile. “Buy a beautiful box, or make your own from an old shoe box, and decorate it. Inside keep lovely memories such as things your children said when they were toddlers, or funny birthday cards you have been sent, anything as long as it evokes good memories. Visit your Happy Box when you need a pick-me-up.”
3. Make an appointment with yourself
Just as we note in our diary when we have a work meeting or an appointment at the dentist, Louise suggests we schedule a very important meeting in our diaries – with ourselves.
“Choose a time each week when you can spare some time for yourself – not to do your accounts, or the ironing, but to lie on the sofa with a magazine, or sit in a coffee shop with a cake and a newspaper, or to look round a museum,” she says.
“Ideally you should be alone for this appointment – it’s time for you to spend on your own. This time will feed your soul and make you feel stronger for the challenges you’re setting yourself.”
4. Step inside the new confident you
Finally, a visualisation technique can transform you from mouse to tiger! “Find somewhere where you can relax, close your eyes and take some deep breaths,” suggests Louise. “Then visualise the most perfect, authentic version of yourself. Notice how you would look, what you would wear, how you hold your body and how you speak.
“If you find it hard to set boundaries and say no to people asking favours, picture the perfect you saying no with grace and dignity. If you are stressed, visualise the perfect you, calm in any crisis. Then picture yourself stepping into that body.
“This creates new neural pathways and your brain is tricked into believing you are that super-confident person already.”
