Marriages are made in heaven, so goes the saying. But all the hard work that goes into — not just in maintaining it — organising it, is done on earth. In some cultures, parents and other family elders ran the show, so much so that the bride and groom would meet for the first time at their own wedding. Of course, all that has changed. Now the couple getting married are at the helm of all arrangements. Their busy work life and shortage of time doesn't stop them from wishing it to be a perfect day, so much so that sometimes the normally fun-loving daughter/sister/friend turns into what is termed as a "bridezilla" due to the extra stress.
Stephanie Palau, counsellor at Lifeworks Counselling & Development in Dubai, agrees that all brides are pressured. "But the issues they may face are as varied and unique as each bride is," she says. "Often, there is a tremendous amount of pressure faced by the bride because she assumes the main responsibility for coordinating and preparing for the wedding day. This may overwhelm her and make her feel anxious as she may believe that she is responsible for creating and hosting the perfect wedding."
Planning, long distance
Souzan Salah has been organising her wedding long distance. She has hired a wedding planner to help prepare for the wedding on May 27 in Lebanon. "For me the most important thing is everyone should have a good time. They should not be bothered about the food or seating arrangements. For me what's stressful is that though I have wedding planners, I have no control over them because I'm here. Moreover, if you have a busy job profile, it's difficult to give the kind of time you should in such matters. Sadly, there's no leave to plan your wedding. Family can be helpful but we want to do it ourselves."
On the other hand, Dubai-based Alka Patel says she's leaving no room for stress as she and her fiancé are organising everything for the wedding in October. "We have 50 guests with family arriving from abroad and we have enough time to put together something nice with the help of the staff at Fairmont Bab Al Bahar. We've sent out the invitations, I'm getting my dress from a local designer and our venue and food have been sorted out, so I'm not stressed at all. We'll sort out the final arrangements during summer when the work won't be so hectic for my fiancé and me."
With shows such as The Bride Show in Dubai (until today at the Dubai International Exhibition Centre) and Abu Dhabi that bring to brides ideas for everything from dresses, jewellery and make up to tableware, and wedding planners who are available for every budget, things have become easier for the brides in organising and planning the big day. Yet, Palau feels, that the pressure on brides could be from the thought of failure.
"If something is not perfect, she often feels like a failure. Family members often, though intending to be helpful, may become an additional stressr to the bride, by offering unsolicited opinions, advice, and mandates regarding the wedding planning and their future together," Palau says. "Just as it may be difficult to ask for help in times of need, it may be equally difficult to decline unwanted help, opinions, advice and mandates. It's important for the bride to maintain balance in her life, ask for help when needed and to remember to do what usually works best for her to relax and nurture herself."
Sonali, a British-Indian who got married on Thursday to her Australian fiancé in Dubai, had been planning her wedding for the past six months and hired a wedding planner for help as she has no immediate family with her. "My fiancé and I planned everything as we are alone in Dubai and did not know about customs and traditions. So we wanted a wedding planner who was experienced in Indian and Western weddings," said Sonali on the eve of her wedding. "What stressed me most were unreliable people, who would promise something and not deliver. The pressure of continuous follow-ups after 12-hour work days is hard to handle. I wished for people who would not just take my suggestions but give me theirs, and share samples and ideas from their experience so things didn't need to be changed at the last minute. I had to do a lot of running around town, which the other person should have done, to bring samples to show what I wanted."
Two kinds of brides
Dubai-based wedding planner Rita Walia says the best way to deal with anxious brides is to do it "patiently".
"Yes, it's the D-day for her and everything has to be perfect. So we only suggest what to do but do it her way. At the same time, the bride shouldn't forget that a wedding planner is there to assist her. She's not her slave for the next few weeks," Walia says. "I've encountered two types of brides — those who are completely involved and those who say ‘just make it beautiful'. The constant interference tends to pressurise us because we are always trying to please her and letting our work suffer.
"We know they are hyper as they want it to be perfect. That's why they hire a wedding planner. We are there to make things run smoothly. We carry a ‘First Aid' kit which includes everything from a needle and thread to beauty consultants. It maybe the bride's day but it's also ours because it gives us the chance to showcase our talents."
Dream designs
An important factor for all brides is the dress. Bride-to-be Souzan Salah was lucky to have a designer who suggested what she should wear. "I didn't know what would suit me. But my designer showed me dresses which suited my body type and there was a variety to choose from."
Just-married Sonali had her dresses done in India. She had one Indian and one Western outfit made and had to send one back a couple of times for corrections. While bride-to-be Alka Patel custom designed hers.
Catherine Fung, the designer behind the label After You Say Yes by SIMA, says: "All brides deserve wedding gowns that are perfect, in terms of the style, the fit and the craftsmanship. We know it's ‘the one' when the gown shows the bride's personality — when we see a bride, not just a dress on a girl."
Caroline M. K. AL Hashemy of Jalal M. K. AL-Hashemy, proprietor of the label Demetrios, feels today, brides have a wide variety of choice and need not stress. "These days, brides have become more rational about their choices and what can match their figures. On the other hand, convincing the bride depends on her confidence in the designer regarding taste and choice. Occasionally they have nothing in mind and leave it to us. We also ask the brides to try several styles to find the right one for her."
Tips from a beauty expert
Dubai-based beauty specialist Huda Kattan (Hudabeauty.com) talks from experience and advises brides-to-be to "absolutely relax" to look beautiful on the day. "I've been a bride myself not too long ago and I know it's a very stressful time. Therefore, she should relax, especially two-three weeks before the wedding. Just forget those minor details because no one will pay attention to them and those are the things which will go wrong, and you just try to fix them and move on. Start a cleanse to detox the body. Eat healthy, using organic products. This will lead your skin and hair to glow and help you shed a couple of kilos. And pamper yourself as much as you can before the day. Go to the spa and this will not only help you relax and boost your confidence, it will also calm you and allow you to deal with issues better. If you feel healthy and happy, you won't even need so much make-up to cover the flaws caused by an unhealthy lifestyle.
For make-up, do what you are comfortable with. It should be very similar to what you are used to, with just a little added glamour and extravagance. It should compliment your personality. The worst thing is to see a bride, especially on the stage, nervous, uncomfortable and unhappy. One of the most important things about make-up is, everything has to be customised — everything should be done according to your hair colour, your features. Women come to me with pictures of Hollywood stars and say, ‘Can you make me like this?' And I feel, ‘You're nothing like her. Why do you want to look like her?' You should celebrate the beauty you have. You should complement your features. It's easier to go with a celebrity look but if you want to do that go for someone who is similar to you. She maybe beautiful but you are beautiful too. If you have a feature that you don't like either, find a way to hide it or make it look better. And the brides who do this are the happiest."
Help from homoeopathy
Another concern that bothers a bride is to look beautiful. Not just to have the perfect make-up but to glow from within and look sexy.
Dr Javed Hingora, a Dubai-based homoeopath and creator of the STEPS (Specialised Therapies for Enhancement of Personal State) programme, says: "There are two types of problems they usually face — physical and emotional. The physical problems usually make the emotional problems worse. In some cases, the opposite is true. Take for example, a bride-to-be who suffers from acne. She would obviously be stressed about new breakouts on her big day. With so many people watching, looking her best and have good photographs taken becomes quite important. In the run-up to the big day, with so many things to arrange and prepare for, the pressure adds to the pre-existing stress related to health/fitness issues she already has. There are also cases of nervousness and anxiety. To a degree it's normal to experience it but in some cases it starts affecting normal functioning of the individual. These cases can be treated with homoeopathy and counselling to alleviate negative feelings.
"Some of the most common issues for which there is a last-minute miracle-cure hunt are: Skin problems, hair and weight problems. Treatment of any issue requires a detailed assessment. Ideally, it needs making a few changes to lifestyle over a few months to see lasting results. But looking at the time deadline, there are short cuts which deliver quick-fix results. The aim, though, is to educate the person and lead them to a healthier state of being."
The right state of mind
Stephanie Palau says: "Stress, if not managed, may turn a potentially lovely wedding experience into one that lacks joy and is full of anxiety, stress, depression and feelings of failure. If you are a bride and are feeling overwhelmed by the wedding preparations or feel it is consuming your life and is no longer enjoyable, I would suggest you take a ‘time-out' moment for yourself. Doing a favourite activity, unrelated to the wedding, will help relieve stress and tension. Other stress-busters that may help you cope include getting a full night's sleep, taking a deep breath, exercising, laughing (it releases stress-reducing endorphins), doing something fun and talking to a friend or counsellor. When it comes to planning, give yourself enough time, ask for help, learn to say ‘no' and create a To-Do list so the planning becomes a series of tasks that may be crossed off once completed."
