Feel like your child is doing something wrong when he or she disagrees with your viewpoint? It’s time to check in with yourself. That is a common characteristic of a narcissistic parenting plan, which will lead to nothing but trauma for both child and adult.
What exactly is narcissism personality disorder and how does it translate into parenting plans?
Jyotika Aggarwal, Clinical Psychologist at UAE-based The German Neuroscience Centre, explains that narcissism personality disorder, or NPD, can be described by a persistent manner of self-importance, continuous and unhealthy desire of admiration and attention, and a lack of empathy.
“When individuals with such a set of traits tend to become parents, their parenting style is controlling, oppressive, attention seeking, and competitive and unhealthy,” she adds.
The good news is that even if you find yourself tipping into the spectrum of narcissism parenting, there are ways to manage and heal relationships.
Red flags
Aggarwal lists the following warning signs:
My child, my way: Such individuals want to live through the achievements of the child, they enjoy the self-serving popularity they may gain from their child’s success. This in turn showcases them as superior parents. Hence, they may push the child beyond their limits. This is irrespective of the child’s own needs and wants. In such situations the child is not seen as an individual, instead is seen as an extension of the parent and their wishes.
Demotivation: People with such a disorder get very unhappy when their child’s aspirations do not align with their own. They may bring down the child by using emotional, psychological or even physical harshness. They see it as the child trying to separate themselves from the parent and perceive it as retaliation.
Accountability: Unfortunately, a person with these unhealthy traits may not realise the damage they are causing. They feel under-appreciated. They focus on the sacrifices and efforts they have made. It becomes hard for them to apologise for their actions, because they shift the blame and responsibility to the child or the other parent and feel unfairly judged. This leads to a lot of unhealthy and confused rage within the child and if the child is unable to handle it can also turn into a sense of helplessness, avoidance and depression.
Lack of empathy: The parent is unable to understand or validate their child’s thoughts and feelings. They are only able to comprehend their own feelings in the situation. Narcissists lack empathy; hence, they are unable to nurture, mirror and understand their children, which are all necessary to help the young ones develop a healthy sense of self.
Competition: Narcissistic individuals tend to compete with their children. They are likely to remind the child of their ‘bigger’ achievements, of their bigger problems. They must always come first; they believe that the child must put them first rather than the other way round. The child learns to give minimal importance to themselves and their needs. They may even try to take the attention away from the child in public and shift the focus onto themselves. They may publicly shame the child for faults and even point out how hard they as a parent have been trying.
Not enough: The NPD person may sometimes appear to be attentive and caring, but their behaviour will suddenly switch to controlling and shaming. This toxic pull and push of affection, creates stress within the child. Children try to win back their love, their acceptance, by pushing themselves beyond their capacities in the direction the parent wants. However, their love is conditional and the conditions are always changing. Instead, children learn to blame themselves when they’re unable to satisfy a narcissistic parent and make them happy. They learn that there are not good enough and that it’s their fault.
Mixed signals: Narcissistic behaviours can be confusing; people with this disorder give their children mixed signals. They may show a lot of affection and then suddenly withhold it. They invalidate and criticise their children’s feelings and needs, punish the child for expressing normal emotions saying that they are too sensitive or weak. This instability of love creates a constant fear and anxiety in the child.
Remedial measures
Find yourself veering towards these actions? Don’t worry, there are steps you can take to improve things. Aggarwal suggests the following:
Question your feelings: Identify, when you start getting upset with your child, the reason behind it. Ask yourself if it’s valid or is the agitation about your own feelings?
Learn to self soothe and stay calm: If you start to feel that you are getting angry or feel the need to show up to your child, take a break and walk away from the situation. You can stop the fight before it begins.
Don’t let your child blame themselves: No matter what, do not let your child blame themselves for your feelings.
Be open to feedback: Ask your partner for help and support and be open to their suggestions and feedback. Seek professional help to guide you in your journey, if you feel it is needed.
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