Testing the Volkswagen Touareg week 4

This car literally looks like somebody took a giant shoebox, cut out some openings for windows and put it on four wheels. There isn't a single emotional line, tuck or crease anywhere on its expansive 4,795mm long body. The front end has a grille and a pair of lights — with LEDs mind you — the rear end also has some lights, and there are doors and a roof. That's the most creative way I can express the styling, or the lack of it. I've had a go with the thesaurus hoping for a ray of light, but there really isn't a more descriptive word here than ‘dull'.

Yet Volkswagen's second generation Touareg is just about the world's most perfect SUV. It rides fine, is comfortable, very silent and copiously equipped. It even comes with its own pigeon that follows you around everywhere giving you a bird's eye view of your surroundings when you fail to parallel park after three tries. The Touareg's also got four-wheel drive so you can climb kerbs, and it has the best steering in class, which is doubly important in something this size and weight (even though it's 200 kilos lighter than the old one). Actually the steering is the biggest surprise, starting with the feel of the rim itself which immediately eases you into a trouble-free driving experience. It's small and tight and connected to an electric system which allows for practically zero dead play in the centre. It's a lot like steering a Golf with a mutated growth hormone.

Now, since the Touareg and I got off on the wrong foot initially, I decided to punish it with my right foot, kicking the accelerator pedal every time I got a reminder of its stylistic dullness. Which takes place inside too, even though it's all impeccably put together.

So the economy wasn't all that great at first; 17mpg on combined use. Well, no matter how many hours you spend in the wind tunnel, you're still working with a huge frontal area tasked with housing a V8 (although not in our V6 model), all the suspension components, a front differential and up to 22in wheels hoisting a chassis riding high above the ground. But then I remembered that I wasn't raised like that and I more or less stopped bullying the Touareg for its appearance. The fuel economy settled to a reasonable 26mpg.

This car does everything brilliantly, honestly, and I just can't hate it even though I really want to. I can't tell you not to buy it with a straight face, it's a great SUV. But you need to ask yourself just how invisible you want to be?

So, to sum up: if you're like one of those people who own a BMW 1 Series and don't even know it's rear drive, the Touareg is a perfect step up when your first born arrives. The rest of you will know whatI mean.

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