As someone who has cried about the thought of an impending shark attack while swimming lengths in a pool, I am no stranger to phobia.
This irrational fear is a constant source of frustration as, in addition to swimming lengths, it has stopped me from doing many other activities, such as diving, windsurfing, wakeboarding... As such, one of my first thoughts as a parent was about how I could stop myself from passing it on to my phobia-free newborn.
Efforts at becoming a born-again shark-o-phile resulted in hypnosis, endless shark documentaries, discussions about how ‘perfect' sharks are, and an hour in Magic Planet forcing my husband to shoot milk cans until he won a huge, pink, grinning (or snarling, depending on your perspective) shark toy for our daughter's bedroom. (I drew the line at the suggestion of going down in a shark cage.)
Has it worked? It seems to. But then, my daughter seems to be naturally fearless - at age five, she's already nagging me to take her skydiving. The same cannot be said of my three-year-old son, who is petrified. Of everything. A museum dinosaur exhibit had him white-knuckled and biting my shoulder. I can't imagine he'll ever want to jump out of an airplane, and he recently asked me to remove the afore-mentioned pink shark from their bedroom - which has been there since before he was born - because it is "scawy".
It seems strange that two children from the same family, with the same upbringing, could be so different. I always thought fears stemmed from experiences, but this made me think it might be genetic instead; nature over nurture?
In truth, I don't actually mind my son having a touch of the scaredy-pants - it's endearing - but out of interest, I called on clinical psychologist Dr Lara Lagutina (www.laralagutina.com). She said, "Firstly, children are all born differently, with their own temperamental traits - one child might just be more sensitive than another. The second factor is that two children in the same family will not have exactly the same experiences. Even from when they are in the womb - the mother might be more stressed, for example, which can make a child more sensitised to threats."
Lara explained that young children will instinctively look to their parents for guidance. If every time a dog walks past, the mother shrieks and jumps on a chair, obviously the child will grow up believing dogs are carnivorous man-eaters and to be well avoided. According to Lara, children will even pick up on subtle non-verbal cues that you aren't even aware of expressing.
So, fear is partly natured, in the sense that a child might be more sensitive, but it is largely nurtured - meaning, it is something we are taught. If we aren't even aware of these non-verbal cues, how can we know if we are passing on our fears? And if we are, how can we counteract them?
Lara says, "If your child comes to you in distress, instead of mirroring their distress, take the situation in, process it, and feed it back in a more digestible manner, so they learn how to react calmly. If you have a phobia yourself, for example of flying, learn to control it so your child doesn't grow up thinking flying is dangerous. Help your child to be more trauma-proof, more resilient - with the ability to manage feelings and fears."
I have tried to control my fear. The hypnosis definitely helped (I don't cry in swimming pools anymore). But there may be fear that I have been expressing subconsciously. Surely it can't hurt to test the (shark-infested) water and check if below my daughter's fearless surface there is a razor-toothed phobia circling?
I pick my time and broach the subject, asking her if there's anything she's scared of and why. She says, "Bees. Because they have a sting on the back of them. Dinosaurs - when they were alive - and fish." Gulp. Fish? Does she mean sharks? I say, "Why fish? They don't hurt anyone." She answers deftly, "Oh yes they do. Listen to this - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Once I caught a fish alive. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Then I let him go again. Why did you let him go? Because he bit my finger so...." I laugh with relief. I haven't passed on my ridiculous Jaws-inspired phobia, of shiny white teeth and gory red gums coming at you out of the darkness.
She will be free to dive, windsurf, and wakeboard to her heart's content. That's if the little fishy doesn't get her first.
For more columns in this series, visit www.dubaimumsclub.com.
