1. Denial
Picture this: "My husband works late every night, has to go to the office on the weekends and he often sleeps at his office. There's nothing wrong with our marriage, he's just a workaholic."
Defence mechanism: You may be avoiding facing an issue because you're scared of the pain it will cause you. Being in denial about a serious situation, such as grief, depression, addiction, can cause problems in all areas of your life.
Try this: Denial is not an intentional choice and, by its very nature, is hidden from your understanding. By simply becoming aware that denial may be one of your defence mechanisms, you can learn to open towards a greater self honesty. If you are unsure about whether you are using denial, ask someone you trust to give you honest feedback.
2. Regression
Picture this: "I'm fine. I just want to curl up in my pyjamas, drink cocoa and talk to my mother about it."
Defence mechanism: This mechanism protects you from emotional stress by reverting you back to an earlier age. For example, a teenager may revert back to a childhood bed-wetting habit, or an adult may revert back to adolescence and refuse to get out of bed and face the day.
Try this: Regression indicates a very strong need for protection from emotional trauma, by expressing the need for safety and shelter behind the walls of familiarity. If you recognise this behaviour in yourself, seek out comfort, care and safe, familiar relationships, which will nurture you. Be kind and loving to yourself.
3. Acting out
Picture this: "I don't get angry, I get enraged."
Defence mechanism: In the same way that a toddler who can't express his frustration verbally will scream and throw his toys on the floor, adults who haven't learnt how to express their emotions properly will often shout, throw things, punch walls, harm themselves, or engage in other extreme behaviours. Many people act out because they have been conditioned to believe they will be rejected for expressing their feelings openly. Acting out can release the pressure and make them feel emotionally calm again.
Try this: If you find yourself acting out, remember this behaviour is a defence against fear of abandonment will help you understand your behaviour, and hopefully bring it under control.
4. Compartmentalisation
Picture this: I know that I wouldn't normally think it's OK to have a close friendship with my husband's friend, but this is different."
Defence mechanism: This involves splitting different areas of your life into areas of different values. For example, if someone volunteered for an animal rights charity but loved fur coats, it could be said she was compartmentalising, so that her animal rights conscience didn't judge her for love for furs.
Try this: Compartmentalisation is a common defence reaction, which enables us to pursue behaviours against our own value system by blocking out our inner voice. Open and regular communication with your partner is a great way to counteract this.
5. Projection
Picture this: "Please can you just stop talking about yourself? You never listen to me."
Defence mechanism: Is it really that your sister is self-absorbed, or are you the one who is always thinking about herself? Projection is when you are so desperately trying not to act in a certain way, or have certain thoughts or feelings, that you see them in other people.
Try this: Owning your own projections is a sign of emotional maturity and takes practice to recognise. If you do become aware of yourself projecting, ask yourself, "In what ways am I also guilty of this?" Remember the simple logic of one finger pointing away from yourself means that four are pointing back at you.
6. Reaction formation
Picture this: "No honestly, I'm really, really happy that she won the award instead of me."
Defence mechanism: This is when someone portrays the opposite of what they really feel.
Try this: Deepening feelings of resentment and self-pity are often a sign you have been using reaction formation as your defence system. Getting into the habit of journaling your feelings daily will help you to recognise them and enable clearer communication.
7. Displacement
Picture this: "I don't need a reason to be angry with you, I just am."
Defence mechanism: One of the most common and easily recognised defence mechanisms, displacement refers to when you feel anger and anxiety about a situation or a person, and take it out on someone else.
Try this: The simple age-old advice of controlling your feelings as they arise and giving them space by stopping, breathing deeply and counting to ten, will help with displacement.
8. Intellectualisation
Picture this: "I actually don't have time to feel sad about my dog running away. I am too busy printing out posters and calling rescue centres to find him."
Defence mechanism: Some people will deal with a situation by over-thinking the nitty gritty, removing the emotional experience and seeing it purely as a call to action.
Try this: A daily ten-minute meditation, or mindfulness practice, enable us to drop into our heart and bring awareness and balance to our relationships - both with ourself and with our partner.
9. Rationalisation
Picture this: "It's OK. I didn't really like him that much anyway... his middle name was strange."
Defence mechanism: When someone tries to minimise how much they are affected by a negative experience by giving a logical, rational excuse, they are using rationalisation as a defence mechanism.
Try this: If this is your favoured defence, make sure you speak with a close friend when you are feeling down or hurt, and ask for feedback on your thinking. Hearing yourself speak your thoughts out loud often helps you recognise the hidden truth and allows you to feel it.
10. Assertiveness
Picture this: "I understand where you're coming from, but I don't agree with you entirely."
Defence mechanism: This is the ability to stand up for yourself when under attack, without railroading others with aggressive behaviour. It is the defence mechanism that we should all strive to engage, and falls midway between being passive and being aggressive. Assertiveness involves just as much listening as it does talking.
Try this: Assertiveness means we have arrived at a balance within, that enables us to express our truth while hearing the opinions and needs of others without judgement, or criticism. Try to listen and hear more than rather than being the speaker in your relationships. Practice, in this case, does make perfect.
Helen Wiliams is a counselor at LifeWorks Counseling and Development Dubai (www.lifeworksdubai.com, 04-3942464)
