Notes to self: Globetrotting writer Gaby Doman on ageing alone

Today is another one of those days where I have to imagine my life as an ageing, probably quite eccentric, old lady. Ok, nobody has actually forced me to think about it, but yet another of my friends got engaged last night and I found out on Facebook this morning.

Last time I spoke to him, he was all “NO! I’m nowhere near ready to get engaged!” But I knew he was just saying it to make a panicky girl (me) happy. This guy was my best friend at university; the type of guy who’d play computer games all day and eat sweets for dinner. He’s the best guy in the world but, if you’d told me ten years ago one of us would be engaged and one of us would be living in Bangkok, I’d have imagined it the other way round.

I love when my friends are happy but, I have to say, engagement news does make me need to breathe into a paper bag for a little while before I can be happy for them.

Despite what everyone says about finding someone when you least expect it (I could not be expecting it any less, I have to say), or laughing at the ridiculousness of it when I joke about ending up alone, the fact is, I actually suspect I will because:

A) The thought of settling down with anyone I know already is horrific. The Playboy has been my most serious relationship in years and I don’t think I need to explain why he’s unsuitable (clue: his nickname is a hint)

B) In all my 29 years, nobody has shown the slightest interest in settling down with me

C) I already like cats and outlandish clothes — I was born to be an eccentric old lady.

My friends like to tell me it’s because I am intimidating to men because I have my own business, I am very independent and I could probably out bench press them in the gym. Yeah ... if a man is intimidated by that (which I don’t really believe), then I certainly don’t want to end up with a pathetic specimen like that. I’d like to give men a little more credit than that and assume that they’re not interested for some other reason (my moodiness, the fact I am very messy, the way my hair always sticks up at the back, perhaps?)

Facebook is awash with these kinds of huge announcements now. A few years ago it was all kitten photos and backpacking pics. For me, it’s still the same; I haven’t moved on at all, I love a good kitten pic. But just this week I’ve seen an engagement, wedding photos and had a pregnancy announcement.

When people I know have babies, I feel a bit sad that our lives will be so different that we won’t have much in common anymore. When they get married, I can’t help imagine all the hours of boring planning and all the money that went into that one day. For some reason it’s just new businesses and engagements that get me really looking at my life and scream a long, agonised scream inside my head. I am still dating 23-year-old speed boat drivers who barely speak English/ boys who don’t own a phone/ playboys for goodness sakes.

I have visions of me propped at a bar when I’m in my fifties, still doing the same thing I do now; chatting up highly unsuitable barmen, wearing the same kinds of clothes (suitable now, less suitable when I’ve hit menopause) and trying my best to be flirty and block out the fact that everyone’s laughing at me. I’m off to breathe into a paper bag again now.