Monster madness in new Hummer H3 V8

The new Hummer H3 V8 is a typically American SUV: loud, brash and enjoys a good flatulence joke. It relishes in domination, too, or a game of battleship against its rivals. The Hummer V8 took one look at the Offroad-Zone in Jebel Ali where we tested it, and proceeded to demolish everything in sight.

"I just sunk your battleship!"

"Ha! Now I downed your cruiser, man!"

The course didn't stand a chance. But the review of this new baby Hummer with a daddy of an engine started a few days earlier, on the road. So let's quickly rush through that so we can get onto the interesting bits…

Road manners

GM somehow thought that the Alpha Hummer should look exactly the same as the puny inline five-cylinder model.

Big mistake. Apart from a nondescript V8 badge on the back, the wheels, body, grille, bonnet grooves and everything else is the same. This means that all other road users will think you're driving just another boring Hummer, when in fact you're the dominant one, looking down on your minions with their five-cylinders. This needs to be obvious. So GM should have installed massive wheels, a giant bonnet scoop and maybe a flag with a V8 logo hanging off the old-fashioned antenna. OK, that's a bit extreme, but my point is that Hummer should have differentiated the V8 more clearly for bragging rights.

The changes that really matter, though, are beneath the bonnet. Alpha's 5.3-litre V8 engine is good for 300bhp at 5,200rpm and 432Nm of torque from 4,000rpm. When you compare that to the fiver's 3.7-litre capacity and 242bhp plus 328Nm of torque, the benefits of the new V8 are immediately clear. In the fiver, you could reach 100kph in 11 seconds — at a push. With the V8, you can complete the dash in well below nine. Even when you fill the Alpha H3 to its 2.7 tonne running weight, the eight cylinders comply smoothly, while the lethargic fiver would cough and wheeze its way nowhere, fast.

Obviously, everything meaningful has been strengthened, including the engine mounts, front portion of the frame, front diff (now cast-iron) and prop shaft. And with its usual short overhangs (you can hit slopes of up to 37.4 degrees head-on) and tall ride height (ground clearance is about a foot), plus the skid plates, you know you're in safe hands when the road suddenly turns to desert.

Apart from the addition of extra power, the big, bad Hummer has a bag of tricks in the chassis department, too. The electronically-controlled all-wheel drive system runs full time and the traction control features single wheel locking, if needed (but it's best to switch it off when hitting the dirt).

Keeping things hanging are multi-leaf springs out back and torsion bars up front. It's a good enough set-up because progress off the beaten track is smooth — although with plenty of body roll and massive amounts of squat and dive under acceleration and braking on road. But what do you expect? It's an off-roader. So all you need to know, as for the H3 V8's road progress, is that it's much, much faster than the five-cylinder, thirstier and just as wonky through the turns.

But I didn't want to waste too much time on Shaikh Zayed Road. What really matters is how the powerful Hummer handles the rough stuff.

Rough stuff

The Offroad-Zone is a 4x4 proving ground, designed to get the most out of your dune basher while improving your desert driving skills. The guys can sort you out with full desert trips as well as individual or group training days held at the track.

It's a course comprising everything you might encounter in the wild: super steep inclines, low-traction climbs, water obstacles, rock crawling and soft sand sections, muddy trails and a sweeping side slope.

With professional nannying from Offroad-Zone's Valerio Tonetti and his jacked up, supercharged Jeep Wrangler, the Hummer H3 V8 proceeded to take some baby steps, feeling out the terrain that would be our playground for the day. After one round, it became quickly apparent that we were being way too easy on the Hummer. Everything under its 32in all-terrain tyres was tackled with ease, the 300 horses and more importantly, 432Nm of torque coming through a four-speed auto demolished any obstacle in sight.

The day's proceedings thus soon got a bit out of hand. The car's supple suspension made light work of the undulating sandy bits, as well as the rock trail. Even on the seemingly vertical slope, the Hummer blasted to the top without ever resorting to any diff-lock or single-wheel-braking trickery. Just put the power down and hang on. Same story for the log-strewn climb, which requires that most hopefuls switch to 4L mode. Forget that. The only function you need is the go-faster pedal.

Again and again, the H3 V8 went round and round playing with the terrain without ever breaking a sweat. No warning lights came on and all the temperatures and pressures remained steady. And, by the way, after our first recce run, we decided it wasn't even necessary to deflate the tyres. If I ever got that sinking feeling, I would just pile on the horses and giddy on up the track.

Verdict

That's it really. I loved this H3 V8, and I used to be the first to admit that the five-cylinder Hummer was not up to scratch, mostly due to the scrawny engine. This is the H3 that it should've been from the start. Except there's more, actually.

The interior, which is the same as in the base model, is littered with plastics. Next time you sit in a Hummer, pay attention, for example, to the instrument binnacle. You'll notice it reminds you of the material normally reserved for toys. So the trim is cheapish and the sat-nav graphics are out of the Eighties, but the seats are ultra comfortable, which matters a lot when you're trekking through the desert to the other side of the country.

The ‘little' Humvee is much more powerful than Toyota's FJ Cruiser, which has to depend on just 240bhp. As for the Jeep, well you'll have to resort to Tonetti's solution of force-feeding to reach anywhere near the H3 V8's power levels, especially when you consider that the Wrangler comes with two-cylinders less and suffers almost a 100bhp deficit.

All in all then, the new H3 is a worthy off-roader to represent the stars and stripes.

Hold on a second: I just sunk his submarine! Total domination.

With thanks to Offroad-Zone, 04-3392449