Lost and found

Have you ever feared losing yourself? I have. Not once, but on many occasions. Beneath those many mantles that I wear to be part of work, home and society, lives a person who is really me. Vulnerable to hurt, moved by the smallest beauty in nature, overwhelmed by profound relationships, believing in the goodness in life, hopeful of fulfilling many dreams, there is an innate naivety within that I treasure and keep hidden just as a child who keeps his hidden cache of marbles, knick and knacks in a little matchbox, away from prying eyes.

Many a times when I allow myself to flow with the tide and get caught up with silly hypocrisies or following trends without believing in them, or spouting philosophies not my own, I see that inner "me" wincing. She's patient and never gives up hope, this little girl within me.

She hurts but she grins and bears it because she knows that I am sooner rather than later going to look within. And I do.

Life teaches so many pretences and makes you wear so many masks, that I often feel claustrophobic about losing myself. Then it becomes important to run away from it all and have that all important dialogue with the person within. Sitting on a park bench, or walking alone on the beach, or simply reading a book that moves me to tears, I am finally able to reclaim the person within me. And then there's calm and satisfaction of having located the most precious thing I own.

Connecting to the inner self

It's an exercise that I have to do, there is no avoiding it. Earlier when life had less pretences and lesser responsibilities, it was so easy to connect to the inner self. Mums in earlier times never went through this dilemma, as they often connected to their inner selves doing the simplest acts of love - knitting a sweater for the neighbour's kids, cooking out of tender concern, painting motifs on the walls, growing herbs in the kitchen garden patch ... all small jobs but giant leaps of faith in the inner power.

Of late, I have been losing myself too often and live with a mortal fear of losing the person inside me. I frequently peer within to check on the inner person and reassure myself of not having lost her.

I am sure you feel the need to hold onto that string that guides you to the person within you and give it a tug to know all's well. I have discovered a way. You can too. Take up what you always dreamed of doing. I loved colours and tried my hand at painting, it was an uplifting experience, but difficult for me to keep up with. Then I took up classical music and believe me it has been the most liberating experience to be able to sing, only because I want to.

Indian classical music and the many evocative moods it transfers to you, has the power to rejuvenate you. For that matter any music does. I find time to do it once a week but that one hour of melody is like a prayer that heals every wound. I find myself every week and it gives me the strength to go on until the next week. If you can, find that passion that completes the circuitry of your emotional and material self and reclaim that person who lives within you.