Is it cold enough for you?

Something is wrong with my apartment; I can see the birds enjoying the warmth outside my window, but inside it's like a stingy man's abode.

I creep around my home wearing thick, woollen socks and a toque, or what is known as a ‘monkey cap' in India, to keep my top and nether regions of my body warm.

We have checked under the doors and the sides of the windows for drafts, but there is no sign of any cold breeze creeping in and freezing my toes. "You know what's wrong with this place? Look!" said my wife dramatically, pointing to the living room.

My wife is a sort of expert on homes and architecture, but I couldn't see what she was talking about. Her expertise comes from doggedly trotting off with some fast-talking real estate agent to remote corners of Delhi every holiday, and even to a neighbouring state, to find a suitable place to live.

"You've got to see this," she said, returning from her home-hunting adventures one day. So the next day we drove and drove and kept on driving till I saw farmers driving tractors on the side of the road, pulling loads of hay.

"This is where our future will be,' she said grandly. "Over that hill will be a golf course and there is also a hospital nearby."

Two things are important to my wife: recreational facilities and medical facilities. I suppose these two are always interlinked. The only drawback to this dream was that there was nothing else for miles around except for the shell of this one lone residential tower.

"We'll have to get a gun for our safety," I told her as the Indian state in question is notorious for its high rate of crime. This evoked giggles from my mother-in-law from the backseat of the car. "I can take lessons at the Jebel Ali Shooting Club," I said. That's when my younger son politely told me to put a cap on it.

Anyway, coming back to the present, when I could not see what was obviously wrong with our flat in Dubai, my wife said: "It faces west. That's why it's freezing in here. No sunlight. Always remember to get a flat facing east."

Force of habit

On her recent holiday to India, my wife brought back electric heaters since our air-conditioning unit is not a dual hot and cold system. (I am not really sure why we couldn't have bought those silly things in Satwa or Karama, but I have noticed that expatriates bring back ridiculous things from their home countries when they return from vacation).

Now, dressed in worn-out cardigans, we sit in front of brightly glowing heaters.

One day, the pizza delivery guy rang the door bell. When I opened the door, he looked inside and his expression was of something between shock and disbelief. I am sure he thought he had stumbled into an old age home being run illegally in our residential area.

"Can I hold your delivery bag for a minute. It's so nice and warm?" I said to him. He left in such a hurry that he did not even wait for his tip.

Initially, the cold spell in Dubai was a welcome change from the debilitating sweltering heat and humid weather we are used to here.

My mother-in-law believes the weather is changing everywhere because it is payback time. She believes, like former US vice-president Al Gore, that the end is near for humankind for ravaging the environment. "I think I will turn vegetarian," she said, as if her not eating meat will make the weather better and prevent apocalypse.

Meanwhile, before the world ends and as the cold winds whip around here, my wife and I are enjoying shopping for warm clothes.