Giving Santa Claus the pink slip

Dear Mr Claus:

 No doubt you are aware of the difficult circumstances surrounding the world's economy, struggling to recover from the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression.

These are trying times for us all. It is therefore necessary and incumbent upon senior management to revisit all aspects of our business plan, conducting a strategic review of operations, maximising efficiencies, building synergies and developing new ways of engaging and enlarging our consumer base.

We have recently conducted a systematic audit of your North Pole operations and regret to inform you that, effective December 24, it is no longer possible to sustain your operations.

We are impressed by your efforts to bring economic activity to an area of environmental extremes, and your track record in this regard has been unsurpassed. We are, however, troubled by your ability to deliver goods to customers on a regular basis.

According to our records, your deliveries are only scheduled for one night a year, and we find it necessary to ask, purely in the interests of productivity, just what you do on the other 364 days of the year?

In addition, your distribution network, while impressive in reaching children the world over, fails to reach our core market of those above 18 years of age. No doubt you are aware of our recent research which clearly indicates that adults, not children, have cash to spend.

Your business model is entirely focused on catering to children. We find this intolerable and unsustainable. Further investigation has also revealed that your North Pole operation has never received payment from anyone for all of the gifts, presents and toys delivered by you for a long number of years. Indeed, no record of any payment is noted anywhere. Clearly this is a business model based on generosity alone. We must instruct you to cease and desist from this practise forthwith.

We are also concerned that you have failed to maximise your full franchise opportunities. We note that your image adorns shopping places, cards, all segments of the consumer goods market, and there are even look-alike Santas in most malls.

Given this high market penetration and brand awareness, we would have expected you to capitalise fully on sponsorship, marketing and advertising opportunities. But again, our audit reveals that no such partnership opportunities are in place, seriously undermining the potential to build synergies and maximise revenues.

A visit to your workshop also revealed that your workforce entirely consists of male elves. We have a number of serious concerns in this regard:

Firstly, our inspectors found that the elves in question were all vertically challenged and had deformed aural organs;

Secondly, our inspectors found that the only female working at the workshop was your spouse. Clearly, this creates a problem in our efforts to become an equal opportunity employer, allegations of neopotism aside;

Thirdly, there is no record of your elves ever having received payment for their labours in the manufacture of toys;

Fourthly; we find there are serious issues of scale. All of the toys produced in the workshop are made to order individually on the basis of lists and letters received from minors worldwide. This pandering to individuals minors proves an unsustainable business model. We must insist that you concentrate on a specific toy to suit all needs. These, for example, are readily available in China, come with sturdy lead paint, and a made to last for a short period of time, ensuring consumers keep returning to us for more.

In reviewing your distribution network, we again found serious issues which occur outside of accepted commercial norms.

Frankly, Mr Claus, we fail to understand your insistence to use reindeer to propel your sled. We can find no other operation anywhere, around the world that uses reindeer as a method of delivery.

We must also refer you to our recent initiative to become more environmentally friendly. We are unable to assess the carbon footprint left by your reindeer and sled, and for this reason alone, we will be switching to a more eco-responsible method of delivery.

We note that Rudolph, the lead reindeer, has failed to switch his red nose for an energy-efficient model. This simple switch would have clearly indicated your commitment to our environmental initiative.

We are also striving to become more transparent and good corporate citizens. We note that there are numerous instances of your receiving free milk and cookies from minors worldwide. We are also concerned by the negative press which may result from the fact that you have been known to climb down chimneys at night. But can you imagine the public relations nightmare which would ensue if it became public knowledge that you regularly entered the bedrooms of minors the world over as they slept. Our counsel is trying to assess our risk level should litigation follow.

To conclude, Mr Claus, your operation in the North Pole is unsustainable on a financial, environmental and moral level.

Even if this were not the case, the effects of global warming would necessiate such a closure, sooner, rather than later. How can you have a North Pole workshop when there's no ice?

Yours sincerely,

The Grinch.