Extended family dynamics

I don't know what happens behind closed doors in other parts of the world, but here in India, we have these slightly warped theories of relativity. No, I'm not talking Einstein and nuclear fission though the fissures and the fallout created in one's families can be just as devastating as the effect of an atom bomb! I'm talking of the intricacies of double speak once one acquires relatives from the vast, amorphous, ever-expanding 'in-laws' side of the big, fat Indian family.

When the double role first comes your way as a bride, still in a state of married bliss, there are bound to be hiccups. You say blithely, 'I'm going home,' and traipse off somewhere while at least three sets of people wait in three different places, each absolutely convinced that home for you is where the husband is or the parents-in-law or the grandparents-in-law are. And you, with no training in law and absolutely no clue about the science of relativity, supremely confident that you are well-loved and understood and can do no wrong in your husband's eyes, have gone off to your sister's place where you'd spent the best years of your teens! Definitely the home of your heart! The same heart that gets an indelible scar from the first realisation that yes, you are wrong in your husband's eyes. In fact, he's busy reassessing family feeling and you come a lowly 'somewhere in line', definitely not in pride of place as you'd imagined, and there you are, shell-shocked, with the elaborate wedding mehendi not yet faded from your palms!

Before the dust has settled from that episode, before you even start to get an inkling that all former relationships are no longer as close as the newly acquired ones, you go and do it again&and again&and in the process you learn something - that history repeats itself, and you let it - until your blunders becomes a way of life and the bricks you drop are used to build your only home. This 'dual citizenship' and the double role you play becomes a kind of roller coaster ride that gives special visual and sound effects to your marriage.

So, even as you, the daughter of the house, are encouraged to climb up the career ladder, somewhere else, as the daughter-in-law, your preoccupation with your 'job' is frowned upon. "Our daughter-in-law has no time for the kids," it's whispered or said loud enough for all to hear. That is a capital crime; and though there are some wise ones who say that our over anxiety with our children's performance in school and college is what's causing them to be stressed out, you can't help but notice that you never get it right. Even if you try to be a tightrope talker, using your charm, if you have it, and your smile, if it's sweet, there's always someone who remains out of charm's way.

Of course, you do need to take the occasional look at yourself. Maybe you're one who doesn't like it when you're the target of relative negativity, but finds it easy to indulge in it yourself. So your sister deserves all the sympathy she can muster when she takes charge because your brother-in-law is a wimp, but your poor brother, what he has to go through with your bossy sister-in-law who wants everything her way!

Then, horror of horrors, you cross over to the other side and become the matriarch and the whole thing starts again. There's your daughter and your daughter-in-law, there are new relatives pouring in from all sides, and you're trapped!

But hold it&take a deep breath&you can do something to get off the hamster wheel now! So go ahead and do it. Be the change. Don't let family feeling become the excuse for ill feeling.

Cheryl Rao is a journalist based in India.