Demonstrations of affection differ from culture to culture

I watch a child being showered with hugs and told what a good girl she is. One would think she would be ecstatic at all the attention she is receiving from doting parents. Instead, the look on her face seems to say it all. She knows she is special and they’re only stating the obvious.

Maybe I’m reading too much into this little incident but it makes me realise that my parents certainly weren’t demonstrative. Their way of showing their love or reassuring me I was loved certainly wasn’t through hugs and kisses. Nonetheless I knew I was cherished. They didn’t have to say or do anything to show this but it was a gut feeling. All was right in my world and I was aware of this. There was never a sense of insecurity.

I asked friends and colleagues if they have had a different experience. Though their ages varied, all of them said theirs wasn’t a touchy-feely family. In fact, I was surprised to hear one of them, who is from the Indian state of Goa, say that in his family they welcomed each other with a formal handshake to this day. I found that strange as Goans are a gregarious, affectionate lot and normally demonstrative. There is a definite divide within India , with southerners more formal and northerners, or at least those from Punjab, very vocal in their expression of joy. The big fat Indian wedding is best exemplified by the sheer exuberance of celebrations within this community.

There were few things that could move the adults in my childhood to approbation. On top of this slim list was academic excellence. Bringing home good grades was par for the course and any deviation from this norm left you feeling you had let down those whose opinion really mattered.

Shows of affection were reserved for occasions like birthdays when you could get away with behaviour that would not be tolerated at any other time. At least that’s what I experienced.

There are, of course, other members in the family who beg to differ. One of them is like the proverbial elephant. She never forgets. She can recall to this day the pain of one such special day when she was out of favour with the parents. According to her, she wept into her pillow that night and sang herself to sleep. What she will not dwell on are the circumstances leading to her being left out in the cold. She insists that it was yet another example of parental callousness. Knowing her, she must have been at her rebellious best to have earned this kind of ostracism.

However, the lack of affectionate gestures didn’t impair my ability to dispense an affectionate hug or two on occasion. Among friends there were some who were petrified by any such demonstration. As soon as you put your arms around one such person to wish her on her birthday, you could feel her body stiffen. Now, that kind of body language doesn’t just talk, it shouts. Over the years there has been a sea change in her reaction. Now that she has lived abroad for years, she is the first to run towards you with arms outstretched as you back away in disbelief. Can this be the same person who went pale at the thought of anyone making a charge at her?

If there is anyone who suffers from ‘withdrawal’ symptoms, I would recommend visiting Spain. The denizens are warm and affectionate as I experienced during my first visit there years ago. I was introduced to a group of people and by the time we had exchanged greetings it was almost time to leave. That’s because you kiss on both cheeks. So, if there ten or twenty pairs of cheeks, that’s a lot of love going around.