A war-bed-time-story

Once upon a time, in a rich land - called Iraf - that saw the birth of many great things, there was a petty ruler named Haddam.

Haddam started as a school bully, good with his fist - and little else. He had a cruel uncle who was beating him day in day out. Haddam surpassed his uncle in cruelty and was notorious for inflicting harm on his victims with his own hands. He liked his hands a lot, up to the point where he built a huge metal statue modelled after them, but bigger many times.

Haddam belonged to a club of like-minded people. The members of the club soon made him a leader, because they liked his devotion to their songs, which he memorised very well.

The people of Iraf lived in fear - not knowing how to tell Haddam to go home and leave them alone. In Iraf, as in many other countries, once a person becomes a ruler, it is very difficult - if not impossible - to talk him out of it.

Haddam liked wars as well. He could not wait when his neighbouring distant cousin, Irad, had convulsions so he attacked him right away, before he recovers. The war between Iraf and Irad lasted eight years. Both were bloodied, drained and bleeding. Others were clapping for Haddam and giving him weapons and money to keep beating Irad.

Broken and bankrupt, Haddam lashed out at his younger brother, Kurait - smashing all his precious toys.

Kurait complained to Papa Tush - the most powerful man on Earth, bar none. Papa Tush wasted no time in huffing and puffing, while gathering soldiers from 38 places, and he soon kicked Haddam's army outside of Kurait's land.

Papa Tush was not satisfied. He wanted Iraf to suffer more. So he enforced a never-before-embargo that lasted 12 years or so. Nothing was allowed in, including ping pong balls and pencils for students.

Papa Tush was gone and replaced by Chill Skirton, who liked to mix politics with other things, which he would later deny. Never mind!

In the meantime, things kept going down the hill for Iraf. Skirton was soon replaced by Tush Junior, who came across as a dull, unimpressive and unimaginative ex-alcoholic who never achieved much in anything and never finished a whole sentence correctly.

Blew away

Tush Junior had to choose something he's good in so he claimed himself "The Education President". Then September 11 happened and everything changed forever. It came as a hurricane that blew away all common sense among otherwise sensible people, on both sides of the world.

Tush Junior started to blow fire from his mouth, like a wounded dragon, and he told the world, "If you are not with us, you are against us".

Although the criminals who committed the September 11 crimes against humanity were hated everywhere, Tush Junior sent his troops to Afkharistan and later to Iraf.

Attacking the first mountainous place was easily justified, as the criminals were living there, cave-style, at some point.

But in attacking Iraf, Tush Junior needed a story. Not any story though; it had to be convincing, believable and sensible. Therefore, Tush Junior decided it must be a children story.

You see, Iraf was a very rich land in foil.

Foil is a black oily liquid that is needed for wagons - it makes them go faster and smoother. Without it they may squeak and break, forcing people to ride camels, which are considerably slower.

Tush Junior has wagons all over the world. Without foil, his wagons are more or less a bunch of metal scrap. But the foil in Iraf belongs to the Irafis, and Tush can't just walk there and grab all the foil he wants - well, he did exactly that in the end - so he needed a reason.

The reason was that Haddam had Bombs of Unbelievably Long and Strong Hydrogenised Intervention Trance. The acronym for that is unprintable, dear child, but rest assured it is exactly what the world has been fed ever since.

Ahmad Zahzah is a media consultant based in the UAE.