Watch out kids - tough love is back!

As revelations go, it was hardly incendiary - or so I thought - but when I recently confessed to a group of mum-chums that I had smacked my seven-year-old daughter for the first time, I was met with utter horror from all sides. Half my friends were indignant that I had "lashed out in anger" and "abused my position of power". The other half was aghast I'd managed to hold off for so long.

Interestingly, everyone was unanimous that I must surely have felt horribly guilty and remorseful afterwards. Well no, I didn't. Not even when I found a home-made card, slipped under the door, featuring a sweet, lopsided kitten, and the contrite legend "Dear Mummy, I am sorry I was rude. I love you, Lily."

Far from wallowing in self-reproach, I felt wholly vindicated because I acted out of reason, not rage. Does that make me a bully, legitimising the use of violence? An egregiously severe authoritarian, negating my child's right to express an opinion?

A new report by Demos (a high profile London-based think tank) which took data from 9,000 households, suggested that parents who take a traditional "tough love" approach to child-rearing are doing their offspring a favour.

Making the headlines

Tough love, moreover, is a subjective concept. Coincidentally, the same day as Demos criticised swaths of the parenting population as too lax and "disengaged", came news of a 34-year-old mother, the trainee manager of a Christian bookshop, who was quizzed by police after threatening to smack her children, a boy of 11 and a four-year-old girl, when they started rampaging round her supermarket in Southampton. Later, she received an official letter from the council's children's services department, warning her that her "chastisement" of them had been "put on record" for at least the next 14 years. It's currently legal in the UK, if widely frowned upon, to administer a mild smacking, but any punishment that leaves a mark can lead to court action.

According to Charlie Taylor, author of Divas and Dictators: The Secrets to Having a Much Better Behaved Child, the key to good parenting is ensuring that relations between adult and child never deteriorate to the point of public (or private) screaming matches. "A growing number of parents have let their children have too much control, and are unwilling to stand up and say 'I am the grown-up, I'm in charge, do as I say'," says Taylor, a headteacher and father of three. "Instead of setting clear, non-negotiable boundaries, parents these days pride themselves on 'going with the flow'. They swing wildly between being sugary-sweet one minute and losing the plot entirely the next. That invariably gives rise both to huge rows and a great deal of confusion among their children, who don't know what the rules are."

When children don't know what the rules are, it's because the adults haven't set any, or at least haven't enforced the rules with any degree of conviction. Very often that's because we're far more concerned about our children liking us rather than respecting us, as Jane, mother of a 15-year-old daughter, has learned the hard way. "Somewhere along the way, I seem to have given my daughter the mistaken impression that she is my equal. She expects me to justify every rule and regulation and will always argue the toss."

The good old days?

As a child, I really hated being told 'because I say so' but I can appreciate the joyful simplicity of it now.

Nostalgia is tempting for those of us whose upbringing erred on the side of disciplinarianism. Most of us were slightly afraid of our parents. We wouldn't have dreamed of answering back or defying them. There were no such things as "family decisions" or "empowering" choices: apple or banana? Cinema or theme park? We got what we were given and were obliged to be conspicuously grateful.

And so, determined to be more liberal and child-centred in our parenting style, we strove for a more egalitarian family dynamic, and promptly let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction. In the absence of community and shared values, and even, for working parents, of a cohesive family structure in which ground rules are observed, and reinforced by those of other families, there is no consensus on the correct way to parent; the result is a hideous mish-mash in which parents compensate for their absence, if they are working, and are generally lax when it comes to instant gratification and sanctions.

Be clear, be consistent

Along with clear boundaries must come clear sanctions, which are agreed beforehand so children are aware - in line with their age and stage - of what consequences any misbehaviour carries, whether it amounts to five minutes on a naughty step for a young child, or the confiscation of a mobile phone for a teenager. But while no one disputes that children need rules, they also need role models. Back in the 1980s we had the notion of quality time, which was a sop to our consciences because both parents were going out to work. Now it's clear that what children need is quantity time, so that parents can instil their values into their kids and lead by example,.

The emotional health and wellbeing of children is of paramount importance in preparing them for life, and our prime concern must be to safeguard that. But the sort of things that parents need to do are very simple to say, yet can be difficult to put into practice.

Having used up my self-imposed smacking quota, I feel I need to progress to a strategy with rather more longevity. Consistency, consequences, firmness and fairness may not offer a quick fix, but then effective parenting is about the long view. Our reward is the satisfaction of watching our children develop into happy, well-adjusted people - and, if we're very lucky, the occasional lopsided kitten saying ''Sorry".

A specialist says...

Do you think spanking a child if he/she misbehaves is right?

More than being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, I think spanking as a technique of correcting undesirable behaviour is ineffective. Firstly it sends a message to the child that physical aggression is okay. Secondly, spanking is not a form of correction that can be used consistently by the parent. Social constraints and also our personal mood direct the kind of punishment we wish to give the child. Consistency is the hallmark of teaching desirable behaviours to a child.

What has your experience been working with schoolchildren, especially teenagers? Do the become unruly if not properly checked?

My experience with teenagers has been that they do learn well by observation and when behaviour is modelled to them. I have found that giving teens responsibilities and teaching them respect by  showing respect pays off. Contrary to the stereotypes, teenagers actually find security in rules and limits.

What advice would you give parents regardingdisciplining unruly children?

Parents need to firstly define ‘unruly’. What is unruly in a seven year old may be something absolutely age appropriate and ‘normal’ in a three year old. Secondly, prioritisation.You can’t hope to correct all behaviours that we consider undesirable at the same time. One of the first things I tell parents to do is to set limits and define consequences.Establishing a routine, that the child can seek comfort  and security from, is very important before embarking on any behaviour management programme. One of the most important things I try and get across to parents is about being reasonable - the most effective discipline happens when it is firm and fair!

As a parent, what approach do you take and why?

I have an eight-year-old and have never used spanking as a form of disciplining. I try and model behaviours I would like him to emulate. One thing that I have done many times is apologise for my own irrational behaviour when it occurs. I tell my son that there is no justification for yelling at him and that my own preoccupations were making me mad. I say that all I can do is say sorry and try hard  not to repeat it. I never make threats or promises I cannot keep. I insist on being treated with respect in return. Plus, my husband and I try and maintain as united a front as possible - which really helps matters.