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How to be a modern urbanite
Have you found that when you meet your friends these days they are so smug you want to slap them? That you come away from encounters feeling judged and condescended to?
- By Gautam Raja, Special to Gulf News
- Published: 23:12 August 25, 2008
Have you found that when you meet your friends these days they are so smug you want to slap them? That you come away from encounters feeling judged and condescended to? Maybe you haven't heard, but there are new rules for being hip and urban in 2008:
Take yourself very, very seriously. Everything you say must be a proclamation. Self-deprecation is a lost art, and a good thing too, because laughing at oneself is anathema. Actually, laughing at anything is beneath your dignity. Smirks are enough for anyone.
Niceness is weakness. If you're warm and smiling, you're an ingratiating chimp. You must give out the feeling that people need to prove themselves to you before you'll even acknowledge them.
Have aggressive opinions. Open-mindedness is for the spineless. You must pass judgement, and you must pass it loud and long. Dispense with "me statements" such as, "I thought it was a terrible movie." Say, "It was a terrible movie" because what you think is what it is.
Assume that anybody who doesn't live in a great world city, or at least a quirky one (such as San Francisco), is a country cousin desperately in need of an education. Condescend to them. Assume they haven't heard of things. Take them out with an air of generosity, as if you're a warden letting them out of prison early.
Travel. But don't do it to gain humility and open your mind. What a waste of good money. Travel is a weapon. The more places you've "done", the more you're in a position to put down others and their choices. The more you've seen, the less you're impressed by what you're being shown now. Everything was always bigger, brighter and better on your travels.
Have "must" lists. Things people really "must" do, see, read and taste. Your "conversations" should follow this template: "Have you [seen/read/eaten/done] [Wondrous Must-do]? You haven't? Oh you must!"
Always outdo. Has somebody done something you haven't? Reach into your stores and pull out one better. They're talking about a trip to South America? Counter by mentioning your holiday in Mongolia. They've eaten balut? Quick, the monkfish liver you had in Japan! Can't find anything? Correct their facts, grammar or pronunciation.
Dislike carefully
Play dislike carefully. If somebody doesn't like things one really "should" (wine, cool jazz, sushi, rural Italy) you can smirk, because they aren't as sensitive and sophisticated as you. If somebody likes something you should that you don't, or know you'll never bring yourself to try, (absinthe, bebop, raw oysters, rural Asia) present yourself as a individualistic person who doesn't do things just because "one should".
Play down other people's skills and achievements. Try to not say anything good about anybody. For example, in the dark old days, if somebody spent the afternoon cooking a meal for you, you'd say, "Mmmm, this is delicious" no matter what you really thought. It was called graciousness. These days, you don't say anything, so as to give out the idea that you can make it better yourself, or have had better on your travels. If you're really cunning, you'll praise the stuff they had nothing to do with. "Mmm, the olive oil in this dish is excellent, where did you get it?"
Your bookshelf must display only recent "must-reads". Never have classics-those are for bookish bores. Never thrillers, fantasy, science fiction or romance: those are for fools. I'm probably a little out of date, but here are some authors who make you look urban, hip and intelligent: Khalid Hosseini, Zadie Smith, Ian McEwan, Chuck Palahniuk... and if you play it right, even J.K. Rowling - it'll display how youthful and open-minded you are.
Gautam Raja is a journalistbased in the US.
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