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My wife hits and spits if I talk to my parents

  • Posted by Moderator: Biju Mathew
  • Published 16:46 November 19, 2012

I don't want to break this marriage and don't want to leave my parents

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous asks: I got married more than two years back. We fell in love and got married against her parents’ wishes.

For the first couple of months after marriage it was all good.

My childhood was not that good as my family's financial condition was not good, but my parents worked hard and made me what I am today?

My wife and I had our first fight last March, we were to head to India next day as I had to exit for my job change and had to do a lot of packing the next day, so I asked her to sleep early but she neglected me and we argued a lot, which resulted in a big fight. Finally, I slapped her. She stopped talking to me for that day, I asked her to forgive me but in return she slapped and spitted on me. I kept my calm and said nothing as my reaction would have created a big havoc.

After four days, I was back in the UAE for my new job and after a month she joined me. Time passed, but the situation was altogether different.

Now she argues even for small things. If I say to her don't do this, she would do exactly that. If I said to her that there is more salt in the food today that would create a big argument, which would last for hours.

My wife's relationship was very good with my parents and vice-versa, we used to call them thrice in a week. My financial condition is good. With my wife's permission I invited my parents here.

My parents arrived, we celebrated out first marriage anniversary with them. But something was not all that right. The relationship between my parents and my wife was not going good, since I was at work most of the time, I could not figure out what was going on.

One day, me and my parents returned home from the neighborhood park; my wife was washing utensils and my mother tried to help her, but wife refused her rudely. My mother wept.

I called my wife for a discussion but my wife refused, that made me angry and we had a big fight. My father tried to calm her, but she was just shouting and fighting with me. For the next  20 days, it was hard for my parents to stay here but still we managed. On the last day of their visit she asked me to tell them that they had done a big mistake by coming here and would suffer throughout their life. After that I left for the airport with my parents.

After returning back from airport, I suffered the worst night of my life. My dad called me from the airport that they have boarded and asked me to call them tomorrow morning. She in anger picked my phone and threw it in the toilet.

I took out the phone, but it stopped working. She started beating me saying that I have created a mess in our relation by inviting my parents here and that I would suffer for this.

She started beating me with whatever she had in her hand. She picked my belt for beating me. For at least three hours she was beating me, abusing me, spitting on me. The horrible night passed.

Now, fighting, beating, arguing, abusing me has become a routine thing after every 10-15 days in my life, I can't call my family members from my home here, I can't express my feeling, If I start talking about my parents she starts abusing me and them very badly.

She is now asking me to tell my parents to leave our house in India, which I bought three years back and I am here to repay my loan for the same.

Last week, my mother made a casual visit to her parents. In the evening, my mother-in-law called my wife and told her about the visit.  She just banged the phone after the talk and started asking me what my mother was doing at her parents place? Who told her to go there? and started abusing my mother. She also called my mother at the same time and told her not go again to her parents' house for any reason and break all relations with her and me. She abused me and my parents.

I have loved and still love this girl very much, on the other hand, I don't want to leave my parents alone for any reason, because I know what they have done for me.
I don't want to break this marriage and don't want to leave my parents. Please advise.

I want to live a good life with my wife and my parents.

Melanie C. Schlatter (PhD, Consultant Health Psychologist, HEALTH PSYCHOLOGY UAE) replies: You have outlined your current marital situation and the negative conditions that have preceded it during the past 1.5 years.

You state that only the first 2-3 months were good, and that now the marriage has turned into a fortnightly cycle of emotional and physical abuse towards yourself. You also admit that you have raised your hand to your wife on two occasions.

The first occasion which seemed to ignite this entire situation was because you felt stressed, as well as neglected by her, prior to a trip to India. You ended up slapping her. In turn, she then stopped talking to you and responded by slapping and spitting on you.

These actions - on both sides - are extremely damaging to a relationship. I do not know the details of your upbringings and whether arguing and violence were ever observed and/or commonplace, but it is unacceptable. Furthermore, you then had a period of approximately one month apart, and things were different ever since.

I start off by wondering what began to go wrong after those initial positive months of marriage, as well as what triggered your own stress levels in order to first slap your wife - because you will need help with this. If you were feeling neglected, then what was she feeling? Then I wonder what happened when she stayed in India for one month after you returned. Is it possible that she confided in her parents and that they reverted to being against the marriage, and thus aiding her present negative feelings?

Regardless, there appears to be substantial reason for your wife's rage and anger after your parents arrived to stay - after all, things had been good enough, that she had given her permission originally. Did something go wrong at that time between them that you may be unaware of, and that she could be afraid to discuss with you? Is there any way that they may have threatened her role or offended or dominated her in an untoward manner? Maybe, she is fearful that this could be her life forever more with them?

I realise that you wish to live a good life with both your wife and family, which is an excellent start towards the goal of healing these marital wounds. However, at this precise time, the situation is unsustainable, confusing, and requires immediate professional help.

Indeed, for over one year you have been subjected to, and/or subjected each other, to extreme levels of stress, and it is unclear what triggers and maintains such outbursts in her. Her extreme animosity towards your parents needs to be explored. After all, she is not saying she wants to leave you; she just wants them out of the picture completely - which of course is an unlikely solution.

Furthermore, you have not been making any favourable progress. I don't know if you have even tried? And I am not entirely sure what it is about your personality that is making you put up with this - both the abuse towards yourself, and your family - but I can assure you that you will become psychologically weakened, which in turn will affect all other facets of your life - if it hasn't already. Indeed, this abusive cycle is well under way, and is difficult to break.

You already have evidence for this, because you cannot say even the slightest thing to your wife nowadays without an extreme reaction.

In fairness, I do not have any idea of how you have been responding to your wife's recent attacks in these months - for instance, is there any way you could be communicating to her in a threatening, antagonizing, dismissive, or judgmental way yourself? Or perhaps your 'love' for her, helps you to refrain from any destructive comments and behaviors in response? But I can assure you that this 'love' and level of control will not last, and you will reach a point of explosion - especially if you are very busy and stressed at the office, and especially if you have physically retaliated in the past. I am also particularly concerned that you have not been able to talk to anyone outside of this situation and express your feelings outright.

I know that it is painful when you want to do the right thing by everyone, and I do understand that you may have reasons for not ending this marriage, but this is what you may face unless you can both seek urgent help through a mediator or marriage/family psychologist. This situation cannot merely be rectified by providing you with different methods of communication skills. The situation is too volatile. You both need an opportunity to safely open up and discuss the underlying issues and repair the wounds created between yourselves and your families; stress and anger management skills; as well as an opportunity to learn to forgive each other so that you do not harbor deep resentment in the future.

Please, do not be afraid to seek the help you need, as I do not believe you have the personal capacity to solve this all on your own. Until you seek help, I ask you to be aware of the intensity of your own stress levels; to refrain from any possible outbursts that might be building within you; and to remove yourself from all escalating situations where emotional or physical damage could ensue. If there are any observable triggers, which you have noticed (i.e. - other than the discussion of your parents) then please note these down and discuss them with your chosen professional.

Write with your concerns to inmind@gulfnews.com and selected questions will be answered by a panel of qualified psychiatrists and psychologists. Your contributions will be modified for length and appropriateness, and will be open to other Gulf News readers to comment and suggest solutions. Let us know if you would like GulfNews.com to withhold your name from your letter should it be published.

Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.

Comments (61)

  1. Added 21:25 November 20, 2012

    I really felt sad after reading your post. One thing that causes women to primarily explode and react violently is due to insecurities they are feeling. You will need to probe and understand the root cause for her behaving in such manner. I think you should have a word with your in laws and dig deeper and understand your wife how she was as a child and how she grew up and in what circumstances. To an extent most of the human actions and responses are from some day to day events or occurrences that have happened in life. It can also be from people who haven't been giving positive ideas towards your martial life. There seems to be have been a lot of anger issues with your wife and yourself (Although you are restraining yourself, for how long i do not know). Do you often arrive stressed from work? Is your wife working. If not try to preoccupy her with something that she has interest in and support her in that. This itself will start bring a change. You will also need to contemplate on your sex life. Be honest with yourself and contemplate on this. Women tend to react very differently if they are not satisfied. Most of their emotions and impulses are hormone driven. Be just and partial in your life. Your wife needs to witness the good qualities you have. Try to have a good social life. Your wife will no doubt at some point reflect on her own actions just by comparing other people's lives. Be with people who always have a positive side to life. Its easy to break anything. But takes while to make something. So is a human being and relationships. You also need to know that no relationship is perfect. You need to make it work. Think about positives in life. Your very existence is because of your parents and you cannot neglect them. Even if you do as your wife says, do you think that what they endured as a parent will not happen to you and your wife. Talk to your parents also and see if something has happened. I know that the younger generation people tend to find the thought process, culture and values of older people to be not agreeable almost 90% pf the time. Move ahead with a strong heart and search for the answers. Try to understand the problem for it helps. Your work, friends, family and yourself have a direct impact on those around you. So be brave. Finally when you are at roads end and you feel you cannot go on, know this, that somethings in life are just irreversible no matter how much your try. Just take this as a test from God. Be just. Be wise. Do not oppress and do not be oppressed. Remember your wife is another fragment of you. You just need to understand her and comfort her and make her aware of the bigger picture of life. If God wills then everything will be fine. Take care.

    ArfS, SHJ, United Arab Emirates

  2. Added 20:49 November 20, 2012

    Calm yourself and your mind. And when you release that your wife is in bit a good mood, go to her, hold her hand with love and say you love her very much and you love her by your heart, at this point you don't need to see her face and move on. Say sorry to her that you are extremely sorry for all the difficulties she had due to you and due to your family. And ask her to tell you but in a good mood that what she wants as you should add that you can't live without her and tell her that you will do anything that she wants, now is the point to look at her face and in her eyes, take a deep breath as deep as you can. Now wait for her reply, if she still doesn't say anything or rather says some bad then you don't lose your patients. Again repeat in soft voice what she wants and you can add that I am all yours. Try this and listen every word she says, even it is bad or rather very bad. After that ask if you do this all, what will she feel in soft voice; remember, her hand should be in your hand. Tell her that you need a little time and you will again discuss this in some time and ask her to make a promise that during all this time you need her utmost love, the same love that she had in first 3 or 4 months of marriage. Try to be only her for up to a month. Try this and if it works port a comment. I will give you tips for the next steps. I am sure you will be able to live a life as you want with both. Make her realize that she is the one you care most.

    MM Abbas, Alain, United Arab Emirates

  3. Added 19:49 November 20, 2012

    Pray strongly for making yourself and your wife a better person. All help comes from Allah and He will answer and mend the minds as per your prayers. In practical, Parents are the first choice to be taken care, being well off monetarily you could keep her happy with gifts and more caring. Start talking to start having your first child with which she will be become busy and yourself, her parents and your parents may all come together. You really have to keep cool mind and give her lots of caring and love. I hope this will help you in solving your problem,. May Allah make life easier for you and all of us. Aamen.

    MS, Dubai, United Arab Emirates

  4. Added 19:40 November 20, 2012

    You should sit down with this lady and get her relaxed and in stable frame of mind. Explain clearly to her that she is being selfish and self-centred and that if she does not change you will divorce her. This will be a major shock to her system. If she does not change within a short period of time then simply go ahead and start your life with someone else. There are many other women who are desparate for a nice husband who can provide them a comfortable home and respect them; they will naturally repsect your parents. This lady is treating you like a doormat. The maxim should be that wifes can be replaced but not your parents. Remember this.

    ali akhtar, manchester, uk, United Kingdom

  5. Added 19:24 November 20, 2012

    if she does not like your parents she can be away from them until she wish to join with them after fully understand them. But she has no right to ask you to break all your relationship with your parents. Yes both wife and parents are important in life but when it comes to a situation that she is forcing you to leave your parents for no reasons plese don't give up. Life will not be good without parents blessings. Get ready for a strong and bold decsions and please for god sake don't create a situation that you can't live without her. That is the only weakness which will put you down. so only give her two option either you be away or allow me to stay with my parents....very simple my friend.

    kareem, abu dhabi, India

  6. Added 17:42 November 20, 2012

    ur problem mentioned below clearly states u hv not understood parents and wife . u always wanted everyone surrounding u to be happy without making any effort . so u need easy way of councellor support to solve ur problems. Just understand that no one will ever listen to u for ever until u are shown care n concern. i m not here to give tips since no one is perfect n i m no one. spend more time with wife n try to know her likes n dislikes n if u dont like anythig in it... just dont argue be calm n happy. dont think she is trying to separate u from ur parents...if u thik that , den she would hv married u ...leaving her family n thiking same love n affection get from u n ur family. dont listen to people who says divorse. divorse is for person who is weak n who fail to give love n who is messed up with many things.

    ananymous, dubai, United Arab Emirates

  7. Added 17:14 November 20, 2012

    You should not react which will make her more angry,,,,or book a holiday for both of u where u can sit and discuss and convince her how important she is in your life and so is your parents....just give importance to her so she feels she is not neglected, make her feel she is always special to u....

    Karma Lama, Dubai, United Arab Emirates

  8. Added 16:17 November 20, 2012

    I have a feeling The couple's sex life is horrible . Maybe that is why the wife is so extremely violent and abusive . There is more to it than Meets the Eye..

    Mohammed Al Shamsi, Dubai, United Arab Emirates

  9. Added 15:56 November 20, 2012

    Dear...Give importance to ur parents...also try to express ur love more powerfully...take her to a PSYCHIATRIST...'INNALLAHA MA'ASSABIREEN'..if it continues after the treatment, better to divorce fast...

    Junaid, riyadh, Saudi Arabia

  10. Added 15:51 November 20, 2012

    it's really hard to be away from the girl you love but think about this; your mother and father have loved you since you where child who could they be away from you, know it's your responsibility to take care of the and repay what they have did for you, be a man and make her feel guilty for what she did,, jest send her back and inform her that you are going to marry soon she will come back I promise

    sami, DUBAI, United Arab Emirates

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