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How to get over an abusive marriage and a painful divorce?

  • Posted by Moderator: Biju Mathew, News Editor
  • Published 10:54 August 11, 2012

Aparna asks: I had been through a painful and abusive marriage as well as a painful divorce.

I prefer to remain single and both the children from my marriage live with me here in the UAE.

My ex-husband lives in India and has remarried, but frequently visits my neighbourhood in my home town and introduces himself to my neighbours and others as my ex-husband.

Whenever I go to India on holidays I have people who come up to me and say: “I ran into your ex-husband and he told us a lot of things”, a line which would be repeated over and over to which I just smile and ignore.
As I am moving  to India for good , how do I handle such a situation.
Kindly note: there has been no contact between him and the kids before and after the divorce and I have never taken any interest to know his whereabouts as well as discuss this issue with my neighbours in India.

Dr Sreekumar V. Nair ( MBBS, M.D. Psychiatry) replies: How you handle yourself in this situation can seriously affect your current mental state, so the knack is to deal with calmly.

Any divorce would take its spell to get over the consequences, so you need to prepare yourself to pass through this phase. Know that, with time, emotions will settle at least a little bit.

Eventually people will also stop talking about it as life has to move on.

The strategy that you have adopted is really good as it conveys a message to them indirectly that you are least bothered about it and hence forth don’t discuss it. To some people you may need to be firm that you are not interested in any such discussion hereafter.

Keep yourself focused on the children and your emotional well-being by adopting a healthy lifestyle.

Once you build up resilience you will be able to withstand the day-to-day afflictions of single life. Just because you don’t go about bad mouthing, it would be unwise to expect the same from others, especially your ex-husband. 

It would be better to remove yourself from the scene and allow him to burn out naturally. ‘Let go’ certain things would definitely help us from so many unwanted struggles. 

If you are not able to help yourself, seek professional help to cope better.

Write with your concerns to inmind@gulfnews.com and selected questions will be answered by a panel of qualified psychiatrists and psychologists. Your contributions will be modified for length and appropriateness, and will be open to other Gulf News readers to comment and suggest solutions. Let us know if you would like GulfNews.com to withhold your name from your letter should it be published.

Disclaimer: This blog is a conversation and is not an alternative for treatment. The recommendations and suggestions offered by our panel of psychiatrists are their own and Gulf News will not take any responsibility for the advice they provide.

Comments (3)

  1. Added 16:21 October 9, 2012

    I dont understand why you bother of others, Do they feed you? what happened is just forget never take seriously, of course it is a serious issue but try to forget what happened with you, and try to lead a healthy life and concentrate on bringing your kids as they are the support for the life,Good luck

    Ali, Dubai, India

  2. Added 14:42 October 9, 2012

    No worries , u just have to go on with the life and ignore the ones who smiles at you . You are fighting to win for the kids and always rememebr life doesnt ends in Dubai or India .

    Arun, Zurich, Switzerland

  3. Added 09:06 October 9, 2012

    You cannot go back to a place where the abuser lives, I know you want to go back to India for good. but with a narcisstic abuser, there is a big risk of getting back to him as he might use his manipulation tactics. Please be wise and safe.

    Mai, Dubai, United Arab Emirates

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