Dubai: Sending your child to bed without dinner may not be considered an effective method of instilling discipline any more. It may not be all that common either.
This could be because families seldom gather around the table at dinner time, or the fact that the ‘olden’ day methods of disciplining children — whether at home or in school — have evolved over time.
There is one question in this scenario to which answers are not so easily found. It relates to what constitutes a reasonable punishment for bad behaviour?
Dr Onita Nakra, an educational psychologist and school counsellor in Dubai told Gulf News that there is a misconception that in “the good old days” disciplining methods were harsher. “It is not true for all families. How a parent chooses to discipline their children at home now or in the past has always been determined by the family’s personal belief system.”
She explained that parents hitting or caning their children at home, and teachers using verbal threats to discipline students at school were seen as acceptable forms of punishment in the past. Still, the disciplining methods used even today vary from family to family and depend on each school’s policies.
Mother of two Shalili Handa from India said that having raised a daughter, who is now 21, and a son, who is 14, she has come to believe that disciplining methods depend on several factors such as the gender and personality of each child.
She singled out technology as the main source of distraction for today’s generation with children glued to their gadgets and becoming less sociable, active and interactive with family members and friends. “Talking to them nicely and explaining that they cannot spend all their time using their gadgets doesn’t seem to work.”
The only effective method in such a scenario is to confiscate the gadgets, Handa said.
Dr Nakra also pointed out that disciplining children today is a whole new revolving “culture of conversation.” More parents are attempting to talk things out with their children or reason with them, but not much thought is given to what really constitutes a reasonable response to misbehaviour, she said.
For example, telling a child he cannot watch TV for a month because he was being disrespectful to his grandparents will only make him more angry and resentful, said Nakra.
The absence of any disciplining can also become problematic. Growing up without facing any consequences for misbehaviour could lead a child to become confused and disoriented. “Such a child’s moral boundaries are blurred and the lack of limits result in complete chaos,” said Dr Nakra.
So what is an effective disciplining method?
The disciplining process has to start in early childhood. Children between the ages of four and six are still on a learning curve, which makes helping them recognise how their behaviour impacts others the very first step. Teaching them empathy helps them internalise good behaviour so that, when they are older, discipline issues are no longer a common problem, Nakra added.
In schools, new methods of tackling errant behaviour include making the child write out a note or card of apology, discussing alternative positive behaviours, taking away a preferred activity, and practising the ‘time out’ policy.
Arya Adarsh, a primary school teacher at Delhi Private School Sharjah said teachers at the institution follow the method of focused discussions and counselling to manage misbehaviour among students from a very early age. “We teachers create an atmosphere of love and care where there is a bond between the teachers and the students,” she said.
While issuing suspensions is a rather common method used to discipline high school students, assigning students social work has also proven to be not only affective but also a productive way of disciplining.
The study of psychology combined with research has played a role in improving people’s understanding of how children think, feel, and act, and has highlighted the long-term negative effects of physical abuse on children.
“If you catch children ‘being good’ rather than wait to punish, the positive behaviours increase,” said Dr Nakra.
Very harsh punishment has been shown to increase the risk of sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, and suicide as a child grows up given to the thought that he or she is unable to do anything right, Dr Nakra added. “When limits are set with firmness and love, and punishment is balanced with discipline, a child grows up thinking they can think for themself and that there is no problem so great they can’t solve or ask for help to overcome,” she said.
Despite the odd mistake, children should be made to feel like every day is a new day and a fresh start, she added. “Children need second chances.”