Off the Cuff: The many faces of caring

I always considered that we were lucky to have parents who didn't try to control us. They didn't force us to study any particular subject that they thought would set us on the road to money and fame; why, I don't recall their ever telling us to go and hit the books!

In company too, we never heard our parents do what their companions did — advise, judge, adjudicate. Father, a cop, kept his opinions and advice for his work and if a friend wanted police help, their problems were dealt with in the office, through the proper channels, in confidence.

We never knew about it. Mother, a teacher, musician and woman of many talents but foremost a mother and homemaker, kept her own counsel even under extreme provocation within the confines of the small community of retirees where we lived. That's how we learnt to mind our own business. We three siblings did our own thing and didn't tell each other what to do. We thought we were loving and caring enough — but most importantly, I think, we cared for our independence and respected each other's! And, obviously, we advised no other adult (not even our own children once they were adults).

Sometimes, when we were muddling along in our twenties, not sure that we'd chosen the right career paths or the right friends and spouses, I thought that our parents could have directed us along the straight and narrow, maybe even got us used to accepting their choices from the time we were young. But by then, of course, it was already too late: we would not have listened.

Our parents set us free to make our choices and our mistakes — allowing us to sally forth unprepared on the adventure of life — but I like to think resourceful enough to get by and enjoy the journey.

It was only when I had my own child that I realised how difficult it must have been for them to curb the natural desire to tell their children what to do from birth into the ever after!

Tempting as it was on many occasions, with the role models of my parents before me, it's always been difficult for me to ‘direct' or ‘dictate' or make decisions for someone else on how to live their lives — and I gape as my generation of parents and the next take decisions for their children while I have to practically make an appointment to be heard, like I am seeking an audience with royalty!

Nurturing talent

True, home schooling at nursery level and later the choice of school board our children studied under were ours. The subjects they chose, their interests, the sports, the nurturing of talent — we were merely the chauffeurs and the providers. The choices were not ours with a view to what was good for success in the future. Rather, our only thought was what would bring happiness in the present. Everything was presented with an "either / or" to the listener. If you choose this, you could do that... if you choose that, you could do this... And it seems to have worked well enough so far with our child's career and other choices.

What goes back and forth in the form of ‘caring', therefore, never fails to amaze me in this global village we live in. Being a part of group dynamics closely resembles a collection of millipedes — you never know where one starts and the other ends.

Our hands-off attitude in such circumstances is generally looked upon as an extreme form of selfishness or self-rectitude or something else equally uncomplimentary — but to me it seems to be just another face of caring for an individual's freedom of choice.

Cheryl Rao is a journalist based in India.