Unwind: Beta males

A mother eyed me curiously at my sons' school fair, where I was manning the kitchen. "You're a real beta male, aren't you?" she said. I thought I'd misheard her.

"You mean a better male?" I asked. "No," she replied. "A beta male. An alpha male would never be caught dead in the kitchen."

I didn't know how to take this. Was she insulting me or paying me a compliment? There was no question, however, that she had a point: I'm not an alpha male. But I used to be.

Exactly one year ago, my 42-year-old wife Rebecca and I swapped roles. I went from being a senior executive at a magazine publishing company to one of thousands looking for work after redundancy. Then I became a reluctant housedad to our three children — my daughter Daisy, now 10, and our sons Tom, 7, and Sam, 4.

At the time, I was devastated. I loathed my new domestic existence, which required nothing more intellectually demanding than working out the settings on the washing machine. I envied other people who had jobs and what I saw as purpose.

I envied my wife for her success as a magazine editor, but primarily for her ability to bring home the bread. All I was good for was making use of it.

But I didn't realise I was part of a growing trend. The number of men living as househusbands while their wives go to work has tripled in 15 years. A recent survey said 1.4 million men in Britain were housedads.

Many believe that one of the reasons behind the trend is society's changing attitudes to the roles of men and women. And so, after ten years of marriage, our traditional views on what our roles should be — mum at home looking after the children, dad at work earning to pay the bills — went out of the window. This wasn't about ideology — this was survival.

For the first three months, I continued to apply for jobs. To my delight, I was offered one. The salary was less than half what I was on before, but it was a job. Then reality dawned: The salary wasn't enough for my wife and I to swap roles, even if she wanted to.

So about nine months ago, I decided that if nobody else wanted me in their executive team, I'd create a position of my own. I'm now head of domestic logistics and child-related enterprise projects. As soon as I changed my thinking about the hand that life had dealt me, I actually started to enjoy it.

My wife pays a monthly amount into my bank account, with which I manage the household budget. I plan meals ahead for the family and even bake for school cake sales. At first the mums found me an oddity, but now I'm welcomed as "one of the girls".

But the biggest revelation has been how we have all adapted to the new order. I do miss the office camaraderie. Isolation is a problem for many stay-at-home parents. Before I became a housedad, I thought Twitter was for twits. Now I rely on it for company.

It's through Twitter that I learnt there are many other housedads out there. Not weirdy-beardy. Just down-to-earth, funny guys going through the pressures of raising their kids.

The issue was recently being debated on a radio station. The question being asked was: Are you embarrassed or proud to be a housedad? I'd never thought of it in those terms before. But when I think back to the mum at the school fair, I have another response. Am I proud? You beta believe it!

Rebecca, a breadwinning mother, says:

For the first few months after Keith lost his job, we both assumed he would soon find another. But we soon realised we were going to have to do something drastic. Our priority was our children. We wanted them to experience as little disruption as possible, and that meant one of us being at home with them. It was pure serendipity that the job I have now became vacant. Before I gave up work to have children, I was deputy editor on the magazine I now edit. The previous editor had left, so I threw myself into landing the job.

It wasn't a question of desire but of necessity. As soon as I started work, I got into the swing of things and, to be honest, I wouldn't swap back even if a top opportunity came Keith's way.

At first it was a struggle. Keith was hardly a domestic god — he found it difficult to run the home and deal with the fact that he was no longer the breadwinner. Keith threw himself into tasks and put up a false front. He never showed it to us, but I could tell how unhappy he was.

Meanwhile, I was enjoying my new job. I loved the buzz of office, the banter with the girls. I understood how he felt unfulfilled, keeping the house tidy and nagging the children to do their homework or pick up wet towels after themselves. But I also knew how rewarding it would be for him. He just needed time to accept the status quo and get on with it. Most importantly, our children are happy and thriving, and that is in large part due to the fact that Keith is such a great, hands-on dad.