How to cut toxic friends out of your life
Who should you keep on speed dial and whose number should be deleted?
Lindsey sighs as she flicks through her diary, noticing there's barely a gap anywhere. There are trips to the cinema, brunches, shopping trips, evenings in restaurants, several fashion launches - it seems as if every minute is spoken for with her wide circle of friends and she barely has a moment for her husband James.
"He has always accepted I'm a sociable person, but I know I'm driving James mad now," says Lindsey, a 36-year-old sales executive. "I never get to see him, and when I do I'm shattered from rushing around trying to keep all my friends happy.
"I feel really guilty because I know I need to focus on my marriage. It's silly that I'm putting some of my friends above my husband. I'd like to drop a few of them and get some time to spend with James, but it seems impossible.
"Every time I tell some friends I'm not going out they make me feel bad, saying I'm the linchpin of the group and they'd miss me if I didn't go. Most of them are single, where I have James, and elderly parents who rely on me. I feel stretched in every direction."
Lindsey is an example of someone who's added to her social life over the years, making friends with people from school, university and all the companies she's worked at. But striving to stay in touch with them all - especially those that now don't add anything to her life or are toxic - has taken its toll.
According to experts, we should all do a friend audit now and then to make time for the people we really want to be with. We wouldn't stay too long at a job that makes us unhappy or wears us out. Yet we hold on to friendships, often seeing people we've outgrown as friends, and then resenting the time we spend on them. But where do we start, and what can we hope to achieve from ‘defriending' the toxic friends or the ones we've outgrown?
Breaking out of the rut
"If you are growing as an individual, then the people in your lives will naturally change," says psychologist and author Nicola Phoenix, (www.nicolaphoenix.com). "So many people say they've been friends with someone from school and they feel they have to be friends with them for the rest of their lives, but that's unrealistic because we all change… It's easy to get stuck in a rut with friends too. For example, if you've always met Jill every Thursday, it will be hard to stop seeing her. You may feel guilty too but if it's no longer working for you, the arrangement needs to be reviewed. Likewise, if you always go to a film with a friend, you'll never catchup with their news. Go for a coffee instead."
Nicola says we should use our intuition when deciding whether a friend stays or goes. "If you feel terrible when you are with a so-called friend then it's time to let them go," she recommends. "If your friend doesn't enhance your life, and in fact leaves you feeling worse, they are toxic and you don't need them in your circle. A good friend supports you, cares for you and serves you for the highest good - they're good for you and you love being with them."
A lot of people are scared to audit their friends because they're scared they will be lonely or won't have enough friends they can turn to. But, Nicola says, it's better to have one good friend than 20 who drain you or leave you feeling bad about yourself.
"There's no specific number about how many friends we need. You have two or three really amazing friends and that may enough for you or you may have ten. Friendship is about quality not quantity," she says.
"Likewise there's no recommended amount of time to spend on friendship - if it's a good one you won't even be aware of how much time you spend together because you'll enjoy every minute.
"But friends come and go in your life as you grow and change and you need to know when to let go." According to Nicola, we also compartmentalise our friends.
Knowing when to let go
"We have people who we turn to for certain problems - Manoj may well help us with our health and fitness problems while Anuradha is brilliant when we want to talk about money. Yet friendships work best if we're open and authentic. If these people are your true friends, you'll be able to share everything about your life with them and if you confide in them, you may get some amazing insights."
Once you've decided which friends make your heart sing and which drain your energy, it's time to start spending more time with the good ones and stop seeing the bad ones. But how? We all know how painful ending a romantic relationship can be - is ending a friendship as traumatic? "If one of you or both are changing, your friendship is going to fizzle out naturally because you'll no longer have the same interests," says Nicola.
"It's fine to just let it peter out. But if you want to stop seeing a friend and they don't take the hint, then it's time to sit down and explain to them that your lives are going in different directions.
"Tell them that you've appreciated their friendship in the past and that you've had good times but it's time for you to move on now. Making it about you rather than them will make it easier for both of you."
"If you find yourself avoiding your friend, deliberately ignoring their phone calls or going out of your way not to speak to them, then it's time to tackle the issue and say something. Avoiding people doesn't feel good and if that's happening, the problem is never going to go away. It's best to deal with it and move on."
Another lifecoach, Becki Houlston, whose clients call her The People Whisperer, says we have to remember we have a choice when our social life becomes a drain on our time and finances and learn to say no. "If we don't, we end up in a constant fire-fighting state, rushing from one thing to another, and going to events we don't want to be at, wasting our time and money," she says. "You'll know the things to say yes to. They're the events you can't wait for. Similarly, the ones that make your heart sink are a definite no. When you have invitations for things you're not sure about, ask for 24 hours to check your diary, make a decision, then make sure you give your answer quickly. If you follow this system, you'll gain a reputation for being reliable, not someone who looks bored at an event, or someone who's always crying off at the last minute.
"If your friends cost you too much money, now is the time to examine what you're buying - is it a meal out, or a connection with another human being? If that's the case and your budget is tight, suggest something cheaper like going for a coffee or a walk in the park. Be assertive and set some new boundaries - if your friends all have a three-course meal when you've just had a starter, tell them you're paying for just the one course."
Once you've audited your friends, you'll feel richer, more energetic and liberated and more inclined to go out there and have some fun!
When to ditch? Three questions will help.
According to Fiona Sutherland, a life coach and trainer in Thought Pattern Management, our relationship with friends tells us a lot about ourselves. Ask yourself these questions:
1. If you have friends who mess you about, or use you, ask yourself if you somehow believe you're not worthy of better treatment. What advice would you give to your child or a young niece or nephew if a friend were treating them this way?
2. If you have grown apart from your friend, or if you both now have different values, ask yourself how you can gracefully remove yourself from their presence.
3. If your friend is doing something to annoy you, ask yourself why you've reacted in this way, then sit down and discuss it with your friend. Say how you feel - don't accuse. There may be a perfectly understandable explanation for their behaviour. Then make the decision whether to stay friends.
Pruning relationships
Head: I ditched the friends who were bringing me down
After getting advice from the experts, journalist Christine Fieldhouse took a good look at her own social life - with interesting results.
"I started by listing all the friends I have. There were so many I've collected from places I've lived, jobs I've had, even schools our son Jack has been to.
One of my problems with a set of friends is that while they work part-time, I work full-time, but because I work from home, they assumed I was free most days to see them and, in some cases, travel quite long distances to get together. That's when I had to use Becki's advice and just say no, or at least explain that I was working and I had deadlines to meet just like anyone in an office.\
I also pruned some friends who did nothing but whinge - mainly about the men in their lives. I pride myself on being a good listener but I used to dread answering the phone to these friends because I knew I was in for an hour of non-stop moaning. Because they seemed happiest when I also joined in and moaned, they really dragged my mood down too and made me feel slightly guilty for being happily married when they're so miserable. As soon as I broke the contact, I felt more positive about my own life and I freed up several hours a week.
I've found weeding out the things I don't want to do has made me feel liberated. No longer do I go out to meetings, or get-togethers or dinner parties because I feel I have to, and I don't see anyone I don't like any more. As a result, my thinking has shifted. I now pride myself on clear days in my diary, rather than the chaotic schedule of old that left me with no free time and rushing from coffee with one friend to lunch with another and long journeys in between.
With a global recession ongoing, and a dip in my earnings, I could no longer afford as many weekends away and expensive meals out, so I started inviting my friends along on my daily dog walks! That way, I'm doing one of my chores, seeing friends and getting exercise at the same time. We're getting plenty of chatting done in the fresh air, and our dog hasn't revealed any secrets so far!
I was aware I had some really good friends that I hadn't invested much time or effort in recently, so I picked up the phone, had a long chat to a friend whose son was ill and I arranged to see a friend who'd recently had a baby. For me, this process was as much about appreciating the good ones as it was about culling the ones I'd outgrown!"
