Life & Style | Health
Wage a war on rage
Some throw tantrums and some get into ugly fights. But the best way to control temper is to respond, not react
- By Gaby Doman, Staff Reporter
- Published: 23:25 July 3, 2009
- Helen Williams
- Image Credit: Supplied photo
Let's face it — many of us were lured into expat living with the promise of a very spoilt life of sun, sand, sea and tax-free salaries.
Though few complain about that side of UAE life, there can also be a lot of stress attached to living in a foreign country.
Language and cultural barriers, the upheaval of moving home and settling into a new pace of life can all exacerbate our stress levels.
Strong reaction
When questioned about stories of expat stress, I was staggered by the barrage of responses I received from my usually fairly placid friends.
Traffic — and cab drivers, in particular — administration difficulties and bad service are seemingly endless sources of woe and strife for my pals.
“Expat life can be stressful enough with its cultural differences, administrative red tape, traffic jams, work uncertainty, housing problems and loss of familiar support systems,'' explains Helen Williams, a counsellor and parenting educator in Dubai.
“These difficulties all bring us different pressures and require different responses. However, many of us exist on fairly short fuses and have little control over our emotions. So tempers flare often as we react, rather than respond to these stresses,'' William says.
Such reactions can be ugly. A discussion among my friends showed that many of these stressful situations they dealt with resulted in irritable exchanges of words or disproportionately angry outbursts akin to throwing themselves in a screaming heap on the supermarket floor like a red-faced toddler.
Extreme cases
I have friends who have clung on to the wing mirror of moving cabs that had refused to take them to their destination, those who have broken down in inconsolable tears in the DEWA office when they realise — after 40 minutes of waiting in line — that they are standing in the wrong queue and friends who have had screaming matches on the street — complete with bag-throwing — over money disputes with cab drivers.
OK, so these are the extreme cases but throwing a tantrum is a common way to deal with feelings of anger, Williams says.
“I believe many of us have never learnt about our feelings — what they are telling us and how to release them effectively. This is especially true with anger.
"Because we seldom learn how to effectively deal with these unpleasant emotions, the stress of life as an expat brings anger more quickly to the surface,'' she ads.
Unexpected behaviour
I like to think that my friends are no more unhinged than the next person, so what is it that causes a relatively stable, sensible person to resort to glass-shattering screaming, foot stomping and crying when things aren't running smoothly?
“Unresolved anger leads to stress and stress causes us to react with anger, which creates more stress,'' Williams says.
“It becomes a patterned response, which keeps on recycling throughout our lives unless we choose to learn how to resolve our angry feelings and learn how to respond rather than react to stress.''
Grow up
“After sneering at a little boy and asking ‘what are you looking at?' after I had made a[nother] scene with a waiter in the middle of the mall, I decided it might be time to grow up and stop throwing tantrums,'' says Louise, a friend of mine from The Greens.
Another friend — let's call her Hayley from Bur Dubai — admits she is a regular tantrum-thrower too.
“Barely a week goes by when I don't have an argument with a cab driver, a bank employee or a waiter. I always seem to have a sore throat these days!'' Hayley says.
Aside from sore throats and post feet-stomping aches and pains, there are other health worries associated with anger.
“The implication of not dealing with anger is that we will miss the important message the feeling behind the anger is expressing,'' Williams says. “Unacknowledged anger, which is pressed down, can become depression.
“And unexpressed rage held tight within our bodies can become fuel that feeds high blood pressure, strokes, heart attacks, stomach disorders and several other such health problems.''
By addressing the real feeling behind anger, Williams says, we can learn to understand our feelings and emotions better and avoid dramatic (and embarrassing) outbursts. After all, they're not big, they're not clever and they're no good for your health.
And exhale …
If those ten deep breaths aren't combating your rage, here are some more ideas:
Anger can be effectively discharged through physical exercise, sport, talking, writing a journal and through the recognition that anger often serves to mask other feelings — such as helplessness or hurt, which we try to avoid.
Anger is often more intense for pessimistic people, who habitually see the worst side of situations. It stands to reason that learning how to think positively helps greatly with managing anger.
Learn to recognise the triggers before you explode and how to step back from the feeling before it consumes.
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