Life & Style | General
That's fighting talk
If you want to establish the higher ground in disputes, then brush up on your vocabulary
- By Susie Boyt, Financial Times
- Published: 23:04 July 10, 2009
Struck by the repeated use of the word “indefensible'' in an argument I overheard, I started thinking in detail about the kinds of language people use when the chips are down.
Which words help one's case? Which ones hinder? How defended should you be when defending yourself?
How can we argue with resilience and good humour, criticise without condemning, stick up for ourselves without betraying the inner vulnerability that perceived the slight in the first place?
To feel slighted or hurt puts one on a lower footing in life and there is balance to be regained as soon as possible or all may be lost. Can one argue deftly and with style and still get one's point across, or not?
Oddly impersonal
The word “indefensible'' was so remarkable because it adopted, claimed and even annexed the higher ground. “You have not let me down or hurt me,'' it seemed to suggest, “you have done something that no one could condone.''
In short: your bad behaviour is a factual reality. Calling someone's actions indefensible suggests conduct that is transgressive, yet it is an oddly impersonal word.
It doesn't seek to insult or inflame or hurt, exactly. It doesn't sting the heart. It's too abstract.
No one, in age, would flop wearily on to an aubergine sateen sofa under a misted window in the half-light, reminiscing with bittersweetness: “It was the day that she said my ways were indefensible that I knew all was lost.''
I remember being told as a child that selfish or hurtful behaviour from another was usually the result of a failure of imagination.
The person couldn't, or wouldn't, put themselves in my shoes and so had no idea how I might feel.
It was practically an artistic fault, like relying too much on the yellow ochre when painting your flesh tones, or monopolising the loud pedal during a sonata.
So, I adopted for a spell, the word “unimaginative'' in my bouts of criticism. One feels much more resilient, dashing almost, accusing people of being unimaginative rather than of being hurtful, selfish or mean.
It is as though you're suddenly a committee member at the Venice Biennale looking at a fellow's body of work and thinking (with compassion, of course) that it doesn't quite add up.
The concepts and the execution are not quite there; there may be the potential for potential but come back in two years' time perhaps?
To call a person “unimaginative'' makes one feel more jaunty than parading one's hurt feelings, or decrying the fact one's emotions have been disregarded, which might sound petty, childish or indicate a low morale.
Charging ahead
“Helga, that is so inappropriate,'' I heard a mother tell her 18-month-old daughter, who was fishing small coloured plates of sushi from a conveyor belt and flinging them at her baby sister, who lay sleeping in an orange pram.
Still, I'm not a fan of the word “inappropriate''. A world where all behaviour is appropriate frightens me. On the other hand, I have used the word “inelegant'' to further my cause.
“It was so inelegant when your ex-wife smirked as she referred chummily to that winter you spent together in Vancouver,'' might be quite an enjoyable thing to say to one's present husband.
To accuse another of inelegance is a mild charge but a satisfying one. It was an error of style, you point out; didn't bother me in the least, of course, but you know, the whole thing didn't exactly look right.
Why I should be fantasising about putting people in their place when all is well with me, I do not know. Perhaps it's escapism or perhaps I'm afraid contentment has dulled my wits.
Now, that really would be indefensible.
The power of words
Unwind asked Belinda Southby, an English lecturer at Dubai Men's College, why language matters…
Some words seem to have greater power in an argument. Do you think people with a bigger vocabulary are more successful in life?
A carefully selected word can take a conversation to a new level, or defeat your opponent. It shows we know what we are talking about, besides giving us sheer pleasure at having silenced the listener.
As a lover of language, what are a few of your own favourite words?
I use ‘utterly unacceptable' with my children all the time. At work, as I teach learners who are not fluent in Engilsh, I do not unleash my tongue. But in the teachers' room we use ‘abomination', ‘inconsequential', ‘phenomenal' and many more.
What expressions and clichés annoy you?
It is annoying when people use big words, especially technical ones, to make others feel ignorant. Recently I was buying a wireless range extender and the salesman blasted me with language straight out of a computer geek's handbook. I had to ask him to explain in English.
So, at the end of the day, words do matter?
It is an interesting topic. The serious side is about power, excluding those who do not “speak the right language'' (lawyers are big on this). I try to be careful not to use words to put down someone who is speaking English as a second (or third) language — that's just not fair.
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