What women want from men

You have heard it before – that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. But how can they live happily on Planet Earth? One way: men attend crash courses in language, shopping, memory retention... In the concluding part of a two-part series, Shiva Kumar Thekkepat meets a few women who draw up a wish list of must-have qualities in a life partner.

If you had read the cover story in last week's Friday you would have got an idea about the qualities a man looks for in his life partner. Ok, it was a wish list but there is nothing wrong in wishing, is there?

There was a basic list which included among others, that the woman be pretty, smart (note the comma between the two words), intelligent, a good cook (try to match mama's cooking!), a grand hostess, an efficient multitasker, a doting mother who ensures the kids don't whinge when he is stretched out on the sofa watching the football match and who knows his mind and gets him his fav chips and dips (to snack on when watching TV).

She should also not gripe and whine when he wants to "go out with the boys'', not bombard him with SMSs (particularly when he is out with the boys), be sensitive to his moods and, oh yes, have a GSH (good sense of humour) and laugh at all his jokes even when some of them are off colour.

A few of the guys interviewed had even more elaborate wish lists. Apart from all of the above, they had their own list of spouse's must-have qualities. She should be a sport (she should not bristle when a beautiful woman walks by), said one. She should loosen the leash... essentially allow her man to be a bit loud and OTT occasionally, the same gentleman said.

Another wished his partner would be a computer wizard. A degree in computers would be preferable. And if she knew how to repair the car, well, nothing like it, he said.

Yet another wished his dream partner would sit by his side and watch a football match without interrupting him frequently to know what the terms meant, who the guy with the whistle in the middle was and, more importantly, know which team to cheer for.

Then there was one who felt it would be bliss if his spouse enjoyed rock music as much as he did. And if she could forgive and forget (particularly the fact that he forgot her birthday or their anniversary), he would love her forever (and maybe even gift her Metallica's all-time best collection).

Sounds like music to a lot of men? If men have wish lists so do we, said the girls.

The terms tall, dark, handsome, smart, sensitive, romantic were bandied. He should not forget my birthday or anniversary; he should be willing to give up watching the soccer match to take me out for a movie; he should not think twice about holding my bag while I try on 20 dresses... and while he is at it he should stop looking at that PYT who just walked past, they said.

Of course, the wish list above is only the tip of the iceberg. The girls had a lot lot more to say. But before finding out their views, a brief look at evolution is in order.

Why are men and women the way they are? For instance, why does a woman who has a wardrobe full of clothes still buy more while a man will gladly wear yesterday's T-shirt fished out from the laundry basket? The behavioural differences between men and women, according to psychologists, is the result of evolutionary processes which go back to the caveman (or woman) days.

Take the men-are-from-Mars/women-are-from-Venus material that has now become the stuff of pop psychology.

Today, men and women are simply modern-day versions of hunters and gatherers. Let's take the example of women shopping for clothes. According to experts, they do so with no clear goal in mind. They are in no apparent hurry and are willing to take in all the sights and sounds around them, picking, choosing, hoarding.

Reminiscent of the days when they had to store for the winter months ahead, women "fill their basket" and never stop at just one garment. They are, an expert would tell you, gatherers.

Men, on the other hand, zoom in directly on the one garment they need. If it's a T-shirt, he picks the first one that catches his eye. Bingo, he grabs it, pays for it, and is off home "to find out what happened to the England-France match on TV".

There are other differences. "For example, when we call up a girlfriend to talk, we really want to talk," says Vera, an advertising professional.

"But when a guy calls another guy to "talk", it's usually to ask him for a favour.''

I should know. My wife has to nag me to keep 'in touch' with my friends. Male, I may add.

Men and women are like two different cultures with different customs. Girls finish other girls' sentences when they get going in a conversation. This baffles guys who are privy to the conversation.

On the flip side, two guys can sit around and not talk for hours – something that can leave women amazed ("You mean they have nothing to talk about?'').

This too can be put down to evolution: men need silence and focus to hunt, women need to constantly glean and exchange information when gathering and hoarding food.

The disparate styles of men and the women they love are modern-day outgrowths of gender roles in prehistoric hunter-gatherer societies. Men have one-track minds, according to a theory, because their ridge-browed Neanderthal ancestors had to concentrate on the hunt to the exclusion of all else.

Women are tuned in to the cycles of the moon and the rhythms of life. Men are tuned in to whatever is on ESPN. So when a man ignores his wife while watching TV, he's not being insensitive; he's just doing what comes naturally
to him. (See ladies, now you know!)

The fact is men and women were biologically engineered with skill-sets designed to complement each other.

The problem for men is that in the modern systematised, computerised, and information-rich world, cooperation – think 'networking' – is highly valued. In a world based on cooperation, negotiation puts you outside the group and singles you out as an egotistical, self-centred individual.

Men have unique interpersonal relationships that have evolved from the hunt. All friends serve a definite role in the pack: the nerd, the tech guy, the smart guy. Hanging out and doing nothing is a bond only other dudes can appreciate. Among men, "loser" and "knucklehead" can be terms of respect and admiration. But the question "what are you going to wear?" posed to a male, regardless of the context, can be one of the worst insults he can expect to receive.

For the hunter, all life is negotiation; for the gatherer, all life is cooperation. Don't believe? Try negotiating with a woman and you will surely end up sleeping outside the cave.
So, what kind of qualities does a woman wish for in her man? Read on...

Vera, an advertising professional, is clear about one thing: men are escapists, she says. "When we are in a very emotional state and discussing problems and responsibilities, men are quick to change the topic or they tend to avoid the situation. We wish our men would listen to our problems.''

So what is the solution? "Pay them back in the same coin. Give them a silent, cold treatment next time they come to you with their problems or, worse, force them to watch a mushy film with you. Now that's a punishment.''

She has more grouses: men don't notice the finer details. "We want our man to notice and appreciate every little detail that we do for him and for the family. But some men simply don't. They don't give importance to the "process" or how we do things.''

***

Iman Ghorayeb, homemaker, has a fairly straight wish list:

- It would be great for men to take a course in the art of listening. They don't listen when they watch football, read the newspaper or when they are in the shower. An active listener engages in the subject matter and gives an opinion based on facts presented during the conversation – something men rarely do.

- Men should look up the word Nesting. Flowers, candles,
pictures (family and non family) and new furniture are all part of the package. Women like to always introduce small changes to their homes!

- Men like their TV; women like their shopping, social entourage, etc. Men should learn to meet women halfway so that everybody is happy.

- Dancing classes are a must. They are fun and introduce energy into a relationship. Before marriage he is willing to dance till he drops, but after marriage you can barely prise him off the sofa!

- One last thing, fathers are not in competition with their children. Mothers do not love their husbands less when children are around, so please learn to adjust.''

***

One of the things Emma De Staplaey, PR professional, wishes that her man would do is never forget to carry with him the door keys for the house.

"Never carrying door keys for the house – does he think he's the king?'' she asks, and also offers a solution to ensure he never forgets: "Arrange to go out with friends after work. After sitting on the doorstep for four hours he might learn to carry his own key. If this fails, next time, put out a cushion and stay out longer!''

Another wish of hers is that he does not deprive her of her sleep with his robust snoring all night.

"I have a solution for this,'' she says. "Use a pillow to block the sound and invest in some ear plugs for your ears. If you are roused from sleep, make sure to keep prodding him every 10 minutes so that he is as sleep deprived as you are.''

Another wish of Staplaey's is that he do the shopping. "He is unable to shop in the nearby supermarket for anything other than the immediate meal,'' she says.

And the solution? "Giving him an extended shopping list doesn't work. So just write down the essentials for the meal and once he has reached the supermarket give him a call on his mobile phone and say that you have just remembered a couple of more items that are urgent. See how many items you can list before he catches on that you are trying to con him into doing the full weekly shop!''

***

Padma Yadav, an advertising professional and theatre person, has a wish: to see an obedience school for men! "Which woman does not have this on her wish list? But whether it is possible is a different thing,'' she says.

"For starters, who runs it? A woman who is very serious would probably ensure that the mission is doomed before it starts. A spandex clad model would ensure attendance but little else. A man running the course – would be... someone from another planet? Or Dr. Phil, in which case, the course is doomed anyway!

"What would the contents of the course comprise? Will there be beverages and sports? And will his friends be part of the course? Can I get real-time video of the entire process since that is the only way most of us women would even believe that there is any learning going on?

"Let's face it, this is such a 'dream on' concept. And why not? I would hate to go attend an Adult Learning Centre so that my husband could have his fantasy wife! Warts and all, it's the only way to keep life as we know it interesting after all.

"Down with the Stepford Husbands, I say. Let them be slobs – who else would we feel superior to if men turned perfect?!''

What women want...

What basic life skills do women want their men to learn? Here's a list of suggestions from women that could help ensure peaceful co-existence of Venusians and Martians. On Planet Earth.

- A one-day course to teach him the fundamental difference between the refrigerator and waste bin. Should include therapy to cure his tendency to store leftovers in the fridge till they grow whiskers.

- Brain Boost Sessions to make him remember important dates (your birthday, wedding anniversary, etc.), and your close friends' names...

- A crash course to teach him to make a simple wholesome instant tomato soup without turning the kitchen into a war zone and you ending up wishing you had done it yourself.

- Techniques, verbal as well as non-verbal, to get your
man to acknowledge your existence when the World Cup is being telecast.

- Therapy sessions to wean him away from his gadgets. Counselling and support to be provided where necessary.

- Language classes on using appropriate adjectives with appropriate nouns.

- Intensive sessions on Zen and the art of mall-hopping; he Zens while you shop.

- Classes to teach him to be pro-active when it comes to making suggestions on your appearance – whether your hair should be worn short or long; less make-up or more; navy blue or electric. Should include lessons to recognise and acknowledge a new hairstyle/a post facial glow.

- One-on-one sessions for men on how to decipher whether she's emotional or just likes a good cry.

- Finally, if everything else fails, a class for women on learning to deal with their spouse's messiness: wet towels on the bathroom floor, et al; 10-minute meditation/yoga, 5-minute EFT tapping exercise to release your pent-up emotions.

'Nothing seems to work'

"I don't think there is a way to teach men how to 'behave','' says Barbara Francini, communication executive, MS&L, Dubai.

"At the beginning of the relationship you try all the tricks in the bag – from hints to threats – to make them learn the rules, but nothing seems to work. So the only solution is stop expecting them to change.''

But why are men the way they are?

"In retrospect, I feel the problem lies in the fact that men have a very short attention span,'' says Francini. "Men tend to switch off when they realise women are giving them instructions or seeking their opinion, particularly when you repeat a sentence once too often.

"So just forget about getting an objective answer when you ask them if a particular dress suits you. Expect him to merely escort you on your shopping trip and not be your stylist. It won't happen,'' she is convinced.

But what if you have to get his opinion? "Look him straight in the eye and ask him bluntly if what you've chosen is
good or not. You just might get a favourable answer,'' she says.

One thing Francini has come to realise is that men are one dimensional "or should I say, linear. They cannot, for one, multi-task the way women can, so don't expect them to finish their assigned tasks in a jiffy. They are not wired to handle laundry, tidying up the bedroom and cooking all at the same time like we can.

"My biggest complaint against men is the fact that they just don't know how to keep tidy. Whether it is their hair on the bathroom floor or the wet towel on the bed, they do not understand the relevance of tidiness. You can either clean up after him, leave funny stickies around asking him to clean up, tell him directly or... clean it up yourself!''

That said, Francini does not think men are all the same and that they never grow up. "What I think is that they are much simpler than women.

It's easy to understand why a boyfriend does not call you; there are no complicated theories to ponder over. Men are simple, one-dimensional and linear.''