Not all women flash claws and indulge in catfights with their ilk. Many share wonderful relationships with other women ... bonds that grow stronger and mature with time. Suchitra Bajpai Chaudhary looks at the unique sisterhood among women and what it takes to form such lasting ties.
Let's get something straight - are women friends or foes of their own gender?
Agreed, that is a tricky one and few would give a clear-cut answer to it simply because there are many women who would be on either side of the fence. (And, of course, there would be quite a crowd on the fence too!)
OK, let's tackle another question: why are there so many myths circulating about female bonding? Simple, says one woman. It's because there are many kinds of women out there.
There's the Catty One, who doesn't lose an opportunity to indulge in subtle catfights. She'll do anything - comment about a rival's hair, looks, gait, tone, poodle, house, swimming pool - to claw her way into the social circuit.
Then there is the Super Cat, who will go to any lengths to get even if she feels her ego is bruised. There is also the Flarer - one who will not take anything against her lightly.
Remember the classic incident when columnist Suzanne Moore caught author Germaine Greer on the wrong foot? Moore erroneously reported about a hysterectomy that Greer purportedly had at 25. Greer went purple, describing Moore as having "hair birds-nested all over the place, (expletive)shoes and three inches of fat cleavage".
Then there's the archetypal agony aunt, who instantly bonds with every member of her tribe. She is the one who reaches out to you when you have a bad hair day, offers you her shoulder to cry on, knows when to leave you alone ... She is the one who understands your silence as well as your words.
That brings us to the Weepy One - always ready to vent their woes, pains and problems on any available shoulder.
The last two remind me of an incident that occurred some time ago on a flight from London to Mumbai. The plane had barely taken off when a co-traveller, a stranger, began confiding in me all about the wayward ways of her husband. I, on my part, found myself comforting her, sharing her grief and gently offering advice on how she could move forward in life.
Of course there are plenty of other kinds too, including the ones who constantly throws verbal jibes at other females.
Maureen Lipman, the quintessential Coronation Street actor, couldn't have been more brutally confessional about her gender when she said: "Women like a good (session of loose talk about another woman]. We have an in-built ability to chinwag, we are born with it and never lose it."
So, women can't resist the temptation to take a spiteful jab at their tribe, huh? Now isn't that so typical of most of them? Haven't you felt even a trifle self-conscious when walking past a posse of seemingly nonchalant women at a party? Haven't you felt a niggling feeling that they are making unflattering comments about your hair, attire, shoes, handbag, IQ, spouse ...?
On the flipside, haven't you, when in a group of your own kind, also thrown a few verbal jabs at somebody who you felt was Ms Hoity-toity?
Apparently, everyone does it. Recently, there was this nugget from none other than the royal-in waiting, Kate Middleton, Prince William's girlfriend who commented about the racy style of Chelsy Davy, Prince Harry's girlfriend. It just showed that beneath the carefully manicured nails are the hidden claws that often surreptitiously emerge.
So, then, are women simply calculating and mean or are they generous and sympathetic when it comes to relating with others of their gender? What happens to all that talk about sisterhood and feminine bonding - terms that are often bandied about? We decided to find out:
Welcome to the sisterhood
Almost every woman I met with is convinced sisterhood is not a myth. Contrary to the stereotypical image of a clawing, gnashing vixen, the women I met were generous, caring, warm-hearted people, sharing love and joy with others of their ilk.
Best buddies for life
Reem Al Basri, an Iraqi, and Maya Al Smadi, a Syrian, share an enviously strong bond with each other. Childhood friends, they went to the same school and even to the same college. One completed courses in public relations while the other turned to the creative sector. Today, they live in the same neighbourhood and work in the same company, albeit in different departments.
The two have had their darker moments - minor fights, falling out over certain issues - but both concede to this feeling of love and care that they share with each other, a feeling that has only grown over the years.
"We first met in Grade 7 in Al Mawakeb School,'' says Reem. "Initially, we didn't like each other. I was the creative, impulsive, outspoken type, whereas Maya (Al Smadi)was quiet and kept to herself. She hated my guts ..."
"Oh, yes, Reem was a bully," agrees Maya.
But by the time they had reached Grade 8, the two had become the best of friends. "Over the years, we discovered we loved playing handball or just talking to each other. Very soon we were together 24/7. The best thing was that our families formed an intrinsic bond with each other, too,'' recalls Reem.
"Sometimes when I fell out with Reem, and was not on talking terms with her, I would still visit her home, meet her sisters and chat with her mum," says Maya, laughingly. The two have different but very complementary personalities and that is perhaps what makes their bond even stronger.
"We both are as different as chalk and cheese,'' says Reem. "The way Maya dresses up, does her make-up, her choice of shoes, bags ... are so different from mine. I have a classic taste and go for blacks and whites whereas Maya prefers colourful floral prints. I am very practical while Maya is more creative.''
One thing that frustrates Reem, though, is Maya's memory. "She has the memory of a goldfish. For instance, she might be on the phone arguing with someone. But when she hangs up and I ask her what the issue is, she might not be able to tell me, simply because she is unable to recall what it is all about.''
But that said, Reem immediately adds: "I love Maya because she is so creative ... she helps me get out of my foul moods and I trust her completely."
Maya believes it is a sense of mutual respect for each other that bonds them. " Reem has a good eye for detail, a very astute memory and can remember everything about a person is right down to the kind of clothes she was wearing, her jewellery, footwear, etc. She is so smart and helps me whenever I am in trouble. She is the one who can come up with solutions to problems and can reason out things for me.''
Is there anything about Reem that frustrates her? "The only thing that really gets on my nerves is her moods. She sometimes gets quiet and moody, and I dub it as her attitude problem."
So, do they never have any problems between them?
"Oh yes, we do squabble occasionally,'' says Reem. "It is not as if we don't fight, we do. But our fights are about stupid things and we keep it to ourselves. When I am mad at Maya, I do not let anybody except her know about it. We never argue in front of anyone. In fact, our families never know when we are not talking with each other."
Maya recalls a major problem they had when they were in school. Both were participating in a dramatics competition and were busy practising. "Reem seemed to become very friendly with all the other members in the group and began hanging out with them, ignoring me totally,'' says Maya. "I was very hurt and started avoiding her.''
Reem interrupts: "The problem with Maya is that she never lets me know what upsets her. For instance, she told me about this incident six months after it happened. When I sensed she was avoiding me, I confronted her and out came the truth."
However, today, they seem to vibe perfectly and whenever an issue crops up between them, they inevitably know what has upset the other. Says Reem, "I can guess from Maya's tone who she is upset with or what is bothering her."
Their chemistry is so perfect and they hope to find husbands who will respect and value their friendship. "I have to find a husband who can get along with Maya and she has to find one who doesn't mind me," says Reem.
Siblings turned best friends
Maria Meijian and Cristina Calaguian, Filipinas, are siblings in a family of five children. They were born three years apart. But today, they are more friends and buddies than sisters in the conventional sense.
While Maria, the younger of the two, is married with four children, Cristina, is a single mother. They have very different personalities but the two often go shopping, have the same group of friends and enjoy being in each other's company.
"Though I am elder to Maria, while we were growing up, I was the quiet one while she was more rowdy and used to fight all my battles,'' recalls Cristina. "But I was very protective about her, and was ready to punch anyone if they hurt my sister.''
Like good friends, they argue about many things, and one of the frequent issues is punctuality. According to Maria, Cristina is always late. They share clothes and shoes, and often quarrel with each other. But they also patch up their differences fast.
Cristina is the casual and carefree one, prone to indulging her nieces while Maria is a disciplinarian often chiding the older sister about her overindulgent nature. "When my children go out with their aunt, I keep checking to see if they are all right as Cristina can be very lenient,'' says Maria.
It was Cristina who first came to Dubai. But within a few weeks she began to feel lonely without her sister and started making arrangements to get Maria and her family over. "I was feeling incomplete without her,'' says Cristina.
"Though we used to fight a lot when we were younger, as we grew older, we became wiser and learnt to trust each other a lot.''
She remembers the time when they really began to bond. "It was when we had left home and started sharing an apartment during our college years,'' says Cristina.
"We became the best of friends and the strongest feature we share is that both are shopaholics. Few things give us greater pleasure than wandering in malls and shopping arcades.''
The bonds grew in strength when Cristina was expecting her child. "My younger sister had married a few years before me and had already had children. She knew what I was going through and understood my needs and wants."
Apart from shopping, another thing they agree on is their taste in clothes.
Is there anything that they do not agree upon? Yes, says Maria. Parenting styles.
While Cristina believes it is OK to allow kids to develop a will of their own, Maria feels the mother should control what and how the child eats, how she behaves, when she sleeps ...
Maria loves her sister's relaxed attitude. "She is a lovely person. I love her when she brings her laundry to my place to get them washed. For me, nothing can ever be Cristina's fault."
The younger sister is so protective about the older single sister that she keeps track of where she is by making phone calls on her mobile regularly. "Once when I couldn't reach her, I became desperate. I went up to her apartment to see if she was OK. Fortunately she was. Apparently her phone was off and she was with a friend.
"We share a close relationship and do not keep any secrets from each other. Neither do we stand in judgment of each other's actions. When we do not agree on something, we just laugh about it."
While the two sisters agree that rivalry and envy can often become a part of a person's life, they assure there is no room for that in their own relationship.
Says Cristina: "Maria can't dance or sing, while I love singing and dancing. We read a lot; Maria can read up to three novels a week. We can never be envious about what the other has.
"We were brought up as very secure, emotionally strong individuals, and we don't cry over each other's shoulders about the things we do not have. We have learnt to adjust and have fun in life. We plan to grow old together and share every experience with each other."
Agreeing to disagree
Carol Talbot, a registered NLP practitioner who conducts corporate workshops for better productivity, says she has seen corporate rivalries among women get quite uncomfortable.
"Here women have to get ahead ... and tend to become jealous of another's progress. They can sabotage another's career ..."
Talbot says she herself may have been guilty of hurting people or saying undesirable things in the past, but consciously walks away from it as she thinks the most beautiful relationship can exist between two women.
"I have had many women friends even long distance. In Dubai, I had a great network of women friends, many of whom have left the place. The most memorable bond was the one I shared with Terry Deane who established the Ballet Centre. We would have long arguments on the phone, and often tended to disagree rather than agree with each other on several issues. But it never occurred to us that we were not friends.
"Before Terry passed away due to cancer, she moved to the US for treatment. Both of us were in denial about her condition and it never occurred to us that we might not see each other again. So there were a lot of things that were never said. The last conversation I had with her over the phone ended once again as usual - she slammed the phone on me.
"I thought about it later and wrote to her explaining how I felt about her. When she passed away, I was relieved to know she had received my letter and read it. She was an incredible person.
"The next time another friend (Judith Patterson), also from the US, was diagnosed with breast cancer, I felt I was reliving Terry's experience. I resolved to make a commitment to be an even better friend than what I had been with Terry. I recall the day she was to have her last chemotherapy session. I flew in just a day before her treatment started and spent the most incredible time with her.
"We just talked and laughed and spent such a lovely time with each other. I think that was the best therapy for her and it worked like tonic. Her cancer is in remission and we exchange e-mails a lot. The nicest thing about our friendship is that we just talk
whatever we feel."
Talbot thinks women form such unique bonds because of their innate nature: "I feel women truly share a sisterhood, because they are intuitive, have the need to talk, a need to connect and communicate that is far stronger than what men (share among their own gender).
"Clashes do come in the way, especially at the workplace where there are uncomfortable confrontations. A lot of us often say things in a fit of temper and regret later. It is ok to be catty in a fun sort of way and not out of spite. I know I have done or said things that I am not very proud of to some of my friends. I must have upset them. But one should know when it is time to move on.
"I think women get more upset at work, because they are high achievers, and have to do so much more to prove themselves at home and at the workplace. They are under pressure to perform, are on a short emotional leash and take things very personally.''
Whatever may be the undercurrent of jealousy or rivalry between friends or siblings, the fact remains that there is an underlying subtext - of unspoken bonding - that forms the basis of female friendship.
A close harmony that defies distance - and boundaries.
