Articles
Harness your anger
The feeling of anger is like an unbridled horse galloping across the fields, with teeth bared to the wind and flames flashing in his eyes... powerful, uncontrollable and totally wild. Louisa Wilkins speaks to the experts about how to rein in your anger, get it under control and send it back to the paddock to graze.
- By Louisa Wilkins, Features Writer
- Published: 00:00 December 1, 2009
1 Unload the straws
An angry outburst is rarely the result of one incident. Usually, a long list of annoyances build up over a long time, and eventually send your calm millpond temperament bubbling like a Jacuzzi on superpower.
The best way to deal with this is to prevent it from happening in the first place by snuffing out frustrations as and when they arise.Situation diffuser: If your mother wouldn't listen on the phone when you tried to tell her you weren't coming home for the holidays, send her an e-mail before you head into that board meeting. If your thermos tipped over in the car for the fourth time this week, maybe it's time to start having coffee at work.
2 Channel the energy
Dr Roghy McCarthy, clinical psychologist at Counselling and Development Clinic (04-3946122), says, "If you don't know how to express negative emotions, suppressed anger can easily turn into misplaced anger, meaning that you end up taking your work anger out on your husband, or your husband anger out on your children. Instead of throwing things, screaming, harming others or yourself, take responsibility for your anger - start going to the gym or hang a punchbag in your spare room. You can also go for a long walk or listen to your favourite music."
Situation diffuser: You've had a stressful morning sorting out home finances. Before you pick up the children from school, take time out to de-steam with a session on the crosstrainer, or to chill in the garden listening to your iPod.
3 Log it
"Keep an anger log to keep track of your anger," suggests Dr McCarthy. "First rate your anger on a scale of 0 to ten, then record what provoked your anger, how you expressed it, what coping strategies you used and if they worked, and how the situation ended. This will help you to control your anger and see your emotions in a healthy way."
Situation diffuser: You seem to have been more tense recently and have been flipping out more regularly than normal, but you can't work out why. Stop and take stock of your anger patterns, and lift yourself out of your funk.
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4 Really feel it
Is there another emotion lurking beneath your anger? Frustration at not being heard? Rejection at not being invited? Instead of denying these feelings until they fester into a hot lava of rage, look at them, accept them and express them for what they really are.
Situation diffuser: You haven't had an argument with your daughter, but you can feel one brewing as she has been silent and moody for days, which frustrates you. Avoid the showdown by telling her, "When you slam your door in my face when I am trying to talk to you, it makes me feel hurt and rejected."
5 Build a zone
Choose a peaceful, secluded spot in your home and designate it your Anger-free Zone. This is a place where you can go and listen to music, read your book, or just sit undisturbed. Dr McCarthy says, "If you are starting to feel angry, go to your Anger-free Zone and tell yourself, ‘When I am here, there is no anger'."
Situation diffuser: You have had a long day at work and have just got home, via a hectic supermarket stop. Your husband is on the way home and has called three times already ranting about his bad day. Instead of clashing in the kitchen again, whisk yourself off to your Anger-free Zone until you have both had a chance to calm down.
6 Tense and relax
When you feel your blood pressure rising, try Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR). Dr Brosig, medical director and senior consultant for neurology, psychiatry, psychotherapy and rehabilitation at the German Center for Neurology and Psychiatry, Dubai Healthcare City (04-4298578), says, "By relaxing your muscles, you also relax your central nervous system, thereby alleviating stress, anxiety, panic and anger."
Situation diffuser: You are in the car, stuck in traffic and your children are squabbling in the back. Tense all the muscles in your arms and hands and then loosen them. Then move on to tensing and relaxing the other muscle groups in your body.
7 Manage your language
This is not about controlling the words that tumble out of your mouth in fury, but the words that incite you to anger. Blame words, such as ‘should', can lead to you feeling frustrated and hard-done-by, which in turn can lead to anger. Dr Brosig also recommends avoiding the use of words like ‘never' and ‘always'.
Situation diffuser: Avoid accusatory sentences such as, "You should have remembered that I like my eggs sunny side up." Instead try, "It would be nice if next time you remember that I like my eggs sunny side up."
8 Laugh it off
In the heat of an emotionally tense moment, it can be hard to find the funny side. If you can train yourself to do this, you will be well on your way to controlling your anger demon. Dr Brosig says, "Try to use humour to realise how ridiculous the situation is and to release the tension in the situation. If this seems hard, start with simple humour, such as imagining comical situations."
Situation diffuser: You're arguing with your husband and it seems to be spiralling out of control. Try picturing both of you dressed up as chickens, but still arguing.
9 Walk away
Removing yourself from the situation can be difficult when you want to voice your frustration, but it is crucial for releasing pressure. This doesn't mean storming out for hours, it could simply mean locking yourself in the bathroom or study or better still taking yourself out to the garden for ten minutes.
Situation diffuser: Your boss is waiting for an important document, which you worked hard on yesterday. You can't find it anywhere, even though you know it was on your desk when you left the office at 8pm last night. You turn your desk upside down and look up to find your colleague handing it to your relieved-looking boss. Walk directly to the coffee machine, grab a hot drink and take a five-minute break to cool off outside.
10 apply the right technique
Train yourself to trigger a practised calming routine when your blood starts to boil, such as: speak slowly in a calm voice; tense and relax your muscles, starting with your hands and arms, and then your jaw; take three slow, deep breaths; take a few steps away from the confrontation, close your eyes and imagine a peaceful scene; try to find humour in the situation; if these don't work, head straight to your Anger-free Zone.
Situation diffuser: You are on the phone to an insurance company trying to get a simple letter of no claims bonus. They don't understand. Nobody ever understands. Initiate calming routine step one.
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