Be the real you this new year

It's strange when you catch yourself being fraudulent - especially to yourself. What it is that makes you say or do something that doesn't resonate with your beliefs and personality?

Like passing judgment on that woman's hair, or wearing that electric pink, stripy micro-dress to the pool.

According to Dubai-based counsellor Helen Williams, everything we say, think, wear, act and feel is a representation of ourselves and our beliefs, whether we are conscious of them or not.

By taking a look at these choices, we can become more aware of what drives our subconscious and harmonise how we express ourselves with what we truly believe in. Williams sums this up neatly as ‘becoming authentic'.

"I have been running authenticity workshops in some form for most of my adult life," says Williams. "They started in response to the common questions I heard from my counselling clients over the years - ‘Who am I?' and ‘Why is it so hard to be me?'"

Williams believes that by becoming conscious of what is going on in your subconscious, you can take more control over your life's direction.

She points to Swiss psychology theorist Carl Jung, who said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

Through her workshops, counselling sessions and Authentic Self website, Williams aims to help people learn greater self-awareness, accept more responsibility for themselves and gain a sense of calm self-control over their lives and emotions.

In this way, she says, we will be able to be more true to ourselves. "Becoming Authentic is a set of life tools to help you on the pathway of self-development and acceptance, towards a more complete sense of self," says Williams.

Check out the following tips for boosting your self-awareness, and become a more authentic version of yourself. 

Hold your judgments

German psychiatrist Fritz Perls said, "We live in a house of mirrors and think we are looking out the windows," meaning what we see in others is often what we are avoiding seeing in ourselves. Williams agrees.

"If you find yourself judging other people, it could actually be that you dislike these same qualities in yourself. By spending our time and energy criticising others, we miss out on the opportunity to utilise the moment of clarity and learn something about ourselves. We do this because it is easier to direct criticism outward, rather than inward."

Reality check: Before criticising your friend's parenting methods, or thinking the lady in front of you could be kinder to the check-out attendant, take a hard look at yourself. How do you measure up to the high standards you hold for other people?

Shop authentically

Gone are the days when clothing was simply to protect us from the natural elements. What we wear and how we choose to look speaks volumes about us before we even open our mouths.

"Your clothes, hair and makeup put you in a particular grouping. What you are saying when you choose your clothes is, ‘I wore these clothes because I want you to see me in a particular way.' But is it the real you? Will your outfit cover the real you, or enhance the real you? And why are you trying to do that? When shopping for clothes or dressing for an evening out, think, ‘What will this outfit, hair style and makeup say about me?' If something you are wearing makes you feel self-conscious, chances are it is giving off an impression about you which doesn't sit comfortably with your real self."

Reality check: If you feel overdone in that mini-skirt and fishnets, save it for the bedroom. If you feel dull and frumpy in those baggy combats and plain vest-top, keep them for gardening. Notice the clothes and styles that make you feel great about yourself and stick to them.

Outgrow your negative beliefs

"Every family has sayings or beliefs, which are often unkind and hurtful," says Williams. "Take a look back at what you remember from your childhood and pinpoint the negative sayings that are lodged deep in your subconscious. Simply by shining the light of awareness on them, you can change them and free yourself from their grasp." Examples of these sayings are, ‘You're big and ugly enough to look after yourself.' Or, ‘Be careful with that vase, it is worth more than you.''

Reality check: Chances are your mother didn't really think you were ugly, and your father didn't honestly put a monetary value on your head that came to less than the old, chipped vase.

But these sayings left an imprint on your sense of self as a child, which you still carry with you today. Look at the saying, accept it for the flippant, harsh comment that it was, and move on. This saying and the feeling it evokes has no place in the real you. Tell your partner about this chink in your armour, and ask him to regularly affirm the opposite.

Check your introduction

When we meet people, we instinctively pigeonhole them into a certain category or box based on the limited information we have - and they do the same to us.

Williams says, "When introducing ourselves, we are trying to build a quick image of how we want to be seen. Next time you meet people, have a look at how they introduce themselves and how you introduce yourself. What box do you put yourself into? Why is that? By becoming aware of that, you can learn how to align yourself with your truth, rather than your mask."

Reality check: "Hi, I'm Emily. I've been in Dubai for six years. I'm a full-time mum at the moment, which is fun but tiring." Try instead, "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm from sunny Edinburgh in Scotland. I don't get much free time between looking after my three young children and running my home, but when I do have some time, I love to restore old furniture or take long walks along the beach."

Unite your two selves

Many of us have two different personalities - our home-self and our work-self, or our home-self and our social-self. By finding out why we have these two incarnations, we can try to unite them into one complete, authentic self.

Williams says, "We often project our own negative thoughts about ourselves from the past onto the present. If you feel that you're more able to be your real self outside of the home, it could be that as a child there were issues in your home environment, which you now reproduce in your adult home life. If you are more comfortable in your home-self, it could be because of negative perceptions of yourself that stem from your teen and high school years, perhaps linked to how you were received by your peer group. Just by recognising these repetitions of insecurities, and working out where they come from, we can put them behind us."

Reality check: Did your parents' incessant arguing upset you as a child, and does this aggressive home-life pattern rear its ugly head in your marriage? Or, perhaps you recreate teenage feelings of being an outsider in the workplace. Be honest with yourself about where your self-image issues stem from, and how you are allowing it to seep into your present. By facing up to the situation, you can move towards unifying your two selves.

Zoom out

It's easy to get caught up in the minutae of daily life, and forget the grander shape of ourselves and our life's true path. To become more aware of who you are, Williams advises taking a few deep breaths and thinking about who you are, what you are doing, and the little space that you're taking up on this big planet.

Reality check: Picture yourself reading this magazine, wherever you are reading it. Zoom out to see the surrounding area, then zoom out further to see Dubai, then further to see the UAE, then further to see the Middle East, and further and further until you can see the Earth in all its blue glory.

Alternatively, if you are a person who is constantly aware of the bigger picture and struggles to focus on what is going on in the here and now, follow the same steps backwards, starting with the image of Earth and zooming in closer and closer, until you see yourself.

Meet yourself everyday

As well as being a hatha yoga instructor, Williams spent eight years living in a Meditation and Retreat Centre in New Zealand. As a result, meditation plays a large part not only in her personal life, but also in her therapy sessions.

She says, "Meditation is about centering yourself in your heart and listening to your inner voice. In the meditation centre, we started and finished each day with an hour of silent meditation, although you can achieve good results just from ten minutes of quiet reflection at the end of each day. It gives you an opportunity to sort out and close your inner filing cabinet, integrate your actions with yourself, and regroup the energy that you have been expending throughout the day."

Reality check: If meditating is new to you, just sit quietly for a few minutes and focus on your breathing - breathe slowly and deeply, in and out through the nose, and ask yourself the following questions: how did I do today, and how could I have done it better? What was I proud of today, and what can I do tomorrow that I will be proud of?

Own your emotions

"Many of us blame others for our emotions," says Williams, "when actually we are responsible for how we react to something, and whether we allow it to effect us negatively or not. Instead of projecting your feelings on to other people, take a look at your response to the situation, work out why you reacted that way, and think about how you would prefer to react in the future.

"Always watch out for those classic projection comments, such as, ‘You make me feel very sad' or, ‘He makes me feel worthless'. Instead of blaming others, we need to take our negative feelings home and own them."

Reality check: Does your husband really make you feel unattractive, or do you make yourself feel that way? Do clubs really make you feel old, or deep down do you think you are too old for clubbing? Does your successful sister-in-law make you feel worthless, or are you battling with these feelings because of your own desire to do something more. Take responsibility for yourself and grip the remote control for your emotional wellbeing firmly in your own hands.